Time to start over from scratch

As a Pats fan of (insert believable number of years here) and season ticket holder for (some other number of years), I believe it is time to make ridiculous claims about how horrible the Pats front office, coach, quarterback, and entire organization are.

Tom Brady is the worst quarterback in NFL history despite completing nearly two-thirds of his passes this year for almost 4400 yards and 28 touchdowns against the toughest passing defense schedule any QB in the league faced -- with a broken finger and busted ribs -- and winning the NFL Comeback Player of the Year award. He sucks and must be traded right away, because why would you want a quarterback like that playing for you? Yeah, we'd better trade Brady, and we'd better get a kajillion first round draft picks for him because an offer for any less would be lowballing us, but he sucks and is overpaid (cap value a full million higher than JaMarcus Russell's -- JaMarcus Russell!!!) so we'll be lucky to get a seventh rounder.

Bill Belichick should be fired too, and for lots of incredibly stupid reasons. I doubt he'd be able to get even fifty first round picks for Brady, who sucks, so he's obviously not very good at managing the team's personnel. He should be fired for that. He got totally ripped off for Richard Seymour, who had a very mediocre season in Oakland. And what was he thinking holding a gun to Tedy Bruschi's head and forcing him to retire? And he only got an early second round pick for Matt Cassel, who sucked this year for a team that couldn't protect him but whose skill level is obviously much closer to what he showed last year when he was the awesomest quarterback ever and won seven Super Bowls for a team that didn't even make the playoffs because Belichick is a horrible coach. And he threw in Vrabel, who only had two sacks this year but would have had seventy-twelve if he was still in New England -- everyone knows that!

Speaking of which, have you noticed that Bill Belichick is a horrible coach? The man has never won anything in his life. Super Bowls don't count. Any other coach would have won 20 games this year, even with the sixth toughest schedule in the NFL, injuries to starters at QB, RB, WR, OT, OG, C, LB, DT, DE, S, and CB. And did you see how much they lost by and to what teams? They lost by 7 to the Jets, who wouldn't have made the playoffs if some other team had instead; they lost by 3 in overtime to a hot Denver team that only fell apart later in the season; they lost by 1 to the Colts, who are just the worst team in NFL history; they lost by 21 to a then-undefeated Saints squad in New Orleans -- but they would have won with Cassell, Seymour, Vrabel, and Bruschi; they lost by 1 in Miami to a team that wouldn't have won the division last year if Belichick didn't hand them 11 wins; and they lost by 7 in Houston to a team that always loses 39 games a year. Because teams with lots of rookies and second year players -- guys who don't have a lot of experience -- always win close games, right?

And then they got crushed in the playoffs today. Belichick should be fired for that too. Did you see him miss the tackle on that 83 yard touchdown run? And did you see the way he missed his block when Brady fumbled (which is also a reason to trade Brady because good quarterbacks don't ever fumble when they get blindsided thanks to poor blocking)? And did you see all those other blocks Belichick missed when he was playing center and guard all day? And all the other tackles he missed on defense? And did you see where he made Slater have the pass bounce off his hands and get intercepted by the other team? Yeah, we'd better fire Belichick. He sucks.

But that's not really good enough. I mean, Randy Moss is practically 73 years old! He'll be retiring soon, so why don't we have an all-pro receiver all set to replace him? I mean, come on -- all-pro receivers are a dime a dozen! We should be able to get one to walk in off the street! And Wes Welker's career is over -- no one has ever recovered from a knee injury before! Oh woe are we! And have you noticed that the Pats don't have a single running back who wasn't alive when the NFL was founded? And there just aren't any decent players on either the offensive or defensive lines. And something about Brandon Meriwether's hair and thugs. Not because such a comment makes any sense, but rather precisely because it's the kind of stupid thing you really ought to expect to read in a post like this.

But that's not good enough either. No, Robert Kraft should immediately announce he's moving the team to Los Angeles, selling it to al-Qaeda, and using the proceeds to fund a groundbreaking study on which came first -- the chicken or the egg?

Oh yeah, and something about SpyGate and cheating and OMG MARSHALL FAULK AND HELMET CATCH AND THE REFEREES RIG GAMES FOR TOM BRADY BECAUSE HE SUCKS AND WE HAVE TO TRADE HIM AND ANY OTHER COACH WOULD CRAP SUNSHINE AND SPIT LOLLIPOPS AND UNICORNS WOULD FLY OVER THE FIELD AS THE LOS ANGELES VAPORS WIN THE SUPER BOWL.