Welcome to Chez Hoodie, the finest and most selective dining establishment in the entire world. It's only open once a week, for a single meal, and you can't get reservations unless you schedule a party of 53 about a year in advance. But once you get your scheduled date and time, it's a dining experience like none other.
Rest assured that your experience will be individually chosen and prepared by Executive Chef Bill Belichick himself. Once finalized, every move and detail will be carefully rehearsed by the entire staff, from his right-hand man all the way down to the newest members of the wait staff, for an entire week in advance of your seating, just to ensure that everything is executed to perfection.
When you arrive, you will be quickly shown to your table, and the service will begin. With Chez Hoodie's "open kitchen" concept, you can see Belichick's finely tuned machine working at peak efficiency. Head chef Tom Brady keeps everything running on schedule, wielding his many tools like finely-honed swords. At the same time, his Line Chefs—Logan Mankins, Dan Connolly, Matt Light, Dan Koppen, and Sebastian Vollmer—handle any and all distractions, so that Chef Brady can work his magic.
Read what's on the menu after the jump!
Rather than feeding you huge portion after portion, Chez Hoodie operates on a "tasting menu" principle, with bite-sized portions of each dish that will leave you begging for mercy at the end of the night. And what are these tasty morsels? The finest gourmet specialties from around the world? Of course not!
At Chez Hoodie, each course is designed to provide overdoses of pain, humiliation, and suffering. While the service itself lasts only a few hours, the hangover will last for weeks, and the memories will last a lifetime.
Some examples of recent culinary offerings at Chez Hoodie:
Wintry Defense Carving Station
A sumptuous buffet of finely sliced offense, serving up first down after first down in the midst of a blizzard.
Smurf-Torched Nose Tackle
Forget to cover all of the Patriots' undersized receivers? The lightly toasted remains of your nose tackle, gasping for breath after running 20 yards downfield to cover the running back will remind you of the error of your ways.
GRONK-Infused Safety Salsa with Linebacker Nachos
So you've managed to double up coverage on the Smurfs and keep them close to the line of scrimmage. Now who's going to take down the 6'7" GRONK before he scores three touchdowns?
McCourty's Strip (Sack) Steak Special
Nothing like a big, juicy steak, right? Well, at Chez Hoodie, you get a steak put on your plate, put Devin McCourty will take it away before you get a chance to eat it. Or, if that's not your cup of tea, try
Lawfirm Lunchpail Special
You get to watch Brady serve BenJarvus Green-Ellis a delicious, hearty lunch fit for a running back on the go, but you've got absolutely no chance to get your own grubby paws on it, so don't even bother.
Rabbit à la Edelman et Tate
Just in case you think you can stop the Patriots offense by holding them back in the field, Mssrs. Tate and Edelman will quickly jackrabbit their way out of the red zone, and potentially take one back to the house.
Loss-Stuffed Running Back
Go ahead. Try to run up the middle on Vince Wilfork. Your running back will be asking for the number of the bus that just pancaked him.
Why throw just one pick, when you can throw three instead? Chef Hoodie's defense will gleefully rob your QB blind, using athleticism, speed, and their eagerness to pounce on your QB's mistakes.
Special Teams Fiesta Medley
What's better than a blocked kick? Two blocked kicks! What's better than two blocked kicks? Two blocked kicks, one of which is returned for a TD! Add in a side of kickoff return for 6, and you're looking at a piñata party—except your special teams are the ones getting split open at the seams!
Emperor's Delight: Pinned-Back Raven
It's not often you get an authentic recipe from an intergalactic ruler like Zoltan Mesko, Space Emperor (of Space)! So when you do, it has to go on the menu. And what a feast: game-changing field position courtesy of the Emperor's booming left leg and colorful footwear.
For anyone eating at Chez Hoodie, there's only one dessert on the menu:
Tastes like a car tire and goes down like peanut butter.
Stop by Chez Hoodie and experience culinary creations to be found nowhere else in the universe!