If the Jets Sign Jason Taylor

(Author's Warning: this article contains four times the recommended daily allowance of sarcasm).

If the Jets manage to sign Dolphins pass rusher Jason Taylor, it's all over. The 2010 NFL season is just a formality. In the immortal words of Dennis Green, we should just "crown their asses" and give the Jets the Super Bowl 45 trophy. Given what Gang Green has done this off-season, neither the Patriots nor anyone else should even bother.

Just think how awesome the Jets already are. They have the greatest coach of all time in Rex Ryan. I mean, he's only been on the job for one season but no coach in the history of the game has ever been more brilliant. Just ask him. His accomplishments make Lombardi, Shula, Landry, Noll, Walsh, and Belichick look like amateurs. No one has ever been a better defensive strategist than Ryan and he is such a salesman and a master motivator that players come from all over the NFL just to play for him. He's funny, he's personable. And the greatest defensive mind ever. How the Jets managed to finish second in their division last year is beyond me, but I hear the NFL is investigating to see how it is that its all time greatest finished 9-7. Actually, that record should read 7-7-2---that's seven wins, seven losses, and two games literally surrendered and gift-wrapped and given to the Jets by the Colts and Bengals. While other teams were fighting to get in the playoffs, the Jets just showed up and collected forfeits. But that's another sign of Ryan's dominance. Indy and Cincy were so afraid of having to play his team, they decided to avoid the embarrassment of losing and just gave up. Ryan thought he outcoached two division champions. Rex is like the guy who was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.

But consider how much the Jets have done this off-season. They traded for Antonio Cromartie, the second best cornerback in NFL history behind only the Jets other cornerback, Darelle Revis. Then they picked up La Danian Tomlinson, a monster running back--five years ago. Tomlinson is breaking down, wearing out, and way past his prime (and he tends to disappear at the most inopportune times) but Ryan is such a magician that he'll transform the ex-Charger into the NFL's best this season. All it takes is a little Ryan magic. After all, when you're talking about the greatest coach ever, the usual rules don't apply so instead of continuing his downward slide, Tomlinson will have an MVP season.

They have the game's dominant quarterback in Mark Sanchez. Clearly more poised and accomplished already than Manning, Brady, Brees and his other so-called peers, Sanchez will take his rightful place at the top of the NFL quarterback carousel this year. Second year quarterbacks always win the Super Bowl (at least Tom Brady  did, and whatever Brady did, Sanchez can do better). Brady is pretty good but he never had Rex Ryan as his coach. Imagine how #12 might have done if that had been the case.

And now they might add Jason Taylor to the greatest defense ever, anchored by Bart Scott, the greatest linebacker ever.Taylor hasn't had a great season since 2007 and is just a shell of his once great self, but Ryan will resurrect him and turn him loose, adding him to a defense that is clearly the best in league history. The Steel Curtain Steelers of the 1970s were never this dominant. All they ever did was win four Super Bowls. Rex's Jets managed to get a wild-card berth by comparison. Now, with the draft coming up, it doesn't really matter who the Jets pick. Ryan will turn these draftees into rookies of the year--in fact the whole Jets draft class, as a group, will win the award because Ryan's sheer brilliance will develop these guys--whoever they will be--into champions. 

I really don't see how the Jets could possibly miss. The best coach, the best defense, the best running back and quarterback, the best rookies, the best free agents. All this, AND a brand new stadium (sure to be renamed the Rexdome or something like that). What a great backdrop for their inevitable 19-0 season. It will probably be October before Ryan's team allows a first down; November until an opponent gets in the red zone; December until they are scored upon. They certainly won't be beaten.

At least not by the Patriots  It's true, the last time Rex visited New England, the Jets were destroyed 31-14 by the Patriots. Ryan even whined about how the Patriots ran up the score. (Note to Rex: Dude, that running up the score accusation is SO 2007). Ryan should have just kissed Belichick's rings instead. But  Belichick and the Patriots will probably forfeit both games this year to the Jets just to save themselves the certain humiliation.

At least we Patriot fans can take solace in knowing that none of rest of league will do any better against New York. I mean, there's only one Rex Ryan and the Jets have him. As they say on Sports Center, "you can't stop him, you can only try to contain him." We can just hope that he'll be merciful, that he'll occasionally pull Taylor and Tomlinson and Cromartie and Sanchez from the games, and that he'll allow us to save our collective faces this year as they lock up the first ever 19-0 record. After all, the Pats--not to mention the Colts and the Saints last year--know how easy that is to do, right?

Yes, Jason Taylor will be the final piece. If--should we say when?--he gives in to Ryan's charm and salesmanship and changes from a teal uniform to a green one, there's no holding back Rex's juggernaut. It's all certain to work out this way. The Jets will do everything right and win every game and every new player will be the best ever at their position.

It's all a done deal.

At least that's how it must look right now in the fevered brain of the Greatest Coach Ever. Who could have known, Rex must be thinking:

This head coaching thing is so easy. I don't know why my dad had so much trouble with it. I've only done it one year and I'm already the best of all time. From here on in it's just planning victory parade routes and writing my Hall of Fame acceptance speech (which will be the best ever given, no doubt) and then my memoirs (which will win a Pulitzer) and then getting my own TV show (the HBO training camp show on the Jets will be the most popular ever and they will decide just to stay with the Jets annually--why bother showing anyone else?), and then sitting back watching the eventual induction of all 45 of the 2010 New York Jets in the HOF along with me. Toward the end of my career, they'll rename the team "The New York Rexes." After all, if Paul Brown can have a team named after him, why can't I? What the hell did Paul Brown ever accomplish in this game anyhow?

Yes, life must be pretty good right now for the presumptive champions. There's only one small thing, one tiny insignificant detail that could derail Rex Ryan's wet dream off-season fantasy and that's the reality of the brutal, lengthy, intense NFL season which always has a way of puncturing the greatest of expectations and in which the other 31 teams do all they can to crush your hopes to so many tiny flecks of dust.

Enjoy yourself now, Rex and the Jets. It's great to be the league's undisputed champions--for March and April. But it's a long way from now until February. And we'll see if all your roster additions and changes still look so brilliant then--if you're still playing. Which presumes that you even make the playoffs in the first place.