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The Onion's take on Belichick's rookie camp

[Warning: some coarse language, for those who worry about that kind of thing] Includes a few gems: "I think [Belichick] drugged us," McCourty, the former Rutgers cornerback, said. "We were all at his home for that welcoming dinner, and the next thing I knew I was blindfolded, going in and out of consciousness. I know at one point we were in a plane, because I heard a captain's announcement. When I tried to take my blindfold off I'm pretty sure Tedy Bruschi hit me across the face with a Super Bowl trophy. That's how I lost these teeth, I think." "I don't think we're in America," said 62nd overall pick Brandon Spikes, tilting a canteen upside down in a failed attempt to get one last drop of water. "I've never seen lizards that size in America. [Kade] Weston never had a chance." Although the group of draft picks thought they were making progress Thursday, they were demoralized when they came upon footprints they determined to be their own—an indicator that they had been walking in a circle for the last day and a half. The players were further dispirited when they discovered a Patriots-hat-wearing skeleton buried just beneath the sand that turned out to be the remains of 2009 New England draft pick Rich Ohrnberger. "We're all gonna die," [former Ohio wide receiver Taylor Price said].

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