A story.
Long ago, when the earth was still young, evil arose. Black, like smoke, it drifted from the ground in a place called New York, and there it entranced the men who dwelt there. Now that tribe was known as the Jets, and under the influence of evil they chose new colours for their standard: sickly white, like the skin of a diseased man, pale and deathly; and green, like bile or some other foul emission of the body.
And the Jets were cruel; many peoples they conquered along the coast of the land, and under the warlord Namath, they grew powerful and rich indeed. And the people groaned under the burdens of the Jets, and many a young maiden was captured, and many a young man murdered.
Now to the north lived another tribe; the Patriots they were known as, and they were a peaceful people. Now their colours were white, but pure white, not the sickly white of the Jets; and blue, for they lived by the sea, and on its waves they sailed much, and from it they pulled many fish; and red, for they were wont to give their blood in the defiance of evil. And the Jets came upon them, and for long it went ill with the Jets.
Now far to the west there was another land, and in that land was a village known as San Mateo. And in that village was born a boy named Brady. Even in youth his skill with sword and shield was unmatched; many a bandit felt the bitter edge of his blade. But there came a great turmoil in that land, and he fled eastwards, stopping only in a place named Michigan for succor. At last he came to the land of the Patriots, and the great shaman Belichick knew that here was a mighty warrior indeed.
Now the captain of the Patriots in those days was a mighty warrior named Bledsoe. But in a battle with the Jets, the cruel warrior Lewis slew Bledsoe; but over the body of his captain stood Brady, and a mountain of dead he piled beneath himself, for he would not retreat. And thus the Jets learned the name of Brady; and in New York, many foul sorcerers considered the news, and plotted great evil.
Years passed, and the Jets were driven back. But then came a new and cruel captain of men to the Jets; Ryan he was known, Black Foot his nickname, for about his neck he wore a chain of the mummified feet of his enemies. And he was a wise and powerful general, and in battle he drove back the very forces of the Patriots, though Brady himself led them.
Defeat chastened the Patriots, and the great shaman Belichick cast the bones, and he selected a warband to accompany Brady to the next battle. Wilfork the Mighty there was, who could cast a warrior aside like a lesser man might smite a fly; and Woodhead the Deft, whose skill with dagger and poison was unmatched; and Ben Jarvus the Paladin, who gave not an inch, no matter how heavy the press; and others besides, whose names I need not repeat. And in the battle that followed there was great slaughter, and Ryan retreated, but lived on.
And now there comes another battle. Rumour has reached my ears that the Jets have assembled the greatest force ever, attracting evil men from across the ocean and from the desolate hinterlands. In less than a week they shall arrive at the homeland of the Patriots, and there shall battle ensue.
It is nothing less than a battle for the future of the world.
The views expressed in these FanPosts are not necessarily those of the writers or SBNation.
40 comments
|
17 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Epic indeed
It’s one of the reasons I love the NFL – you can’t make up the storylines that emerge year after year (no matter how hard the media tries to lay them out before training camp), the players & coaches in the spotlight change, and the plot always thickens as the season goes on.
And for Pats fans, it all comes down next Sunday to Patriots-Jets meeting for the third time in the playoffs. It doesn’t get any better than this!
Keep the faith!
Need to change "pulled many fish" to "pulled many fish and crustaceans",
But this is superb.
"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West
by insertscreenname on Jan 9, 2011 10:07 AM EST reply actions
And needs a part about a mythical beast called The Gronk, who was tamed by Brady and rode to victory.
"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West
by insertscreenname on Jan 9, 2011 10:09 AM EST up reply actions 1 recs
Woodhead the Deft
Definitely some kind of elf, hailing from the flatlands of Chadron.
by dudebro on Jan 10, 2011 5:58 PM EST reply actions 1 recs
Wow. I just imagined this music playing while reading it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdmQGeX1NNc
SO REC’D.
"There’s no reason Brian Cardinal should be blocking your shot on a fast break." - Golden State of Mind
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Jan 10, 2011 6:30 PM EST reply actions
But will Brady free Branch the Bold from the Island of Revis?
Tune in next time for the exciting adventures of ….
My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog
by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 10, 2011 6:37 PM EST reply actions
Wes the Wiley?
My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog
by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 10, 2011 6:37 PM EST reply actions
Now one day as Brady rested beneath a tall oak, enjoying the cool grass beneath his feet, and the rays of sunlight that shone through the branches like pillars of dusty gold, there came a messenger hotfoot. Sweat dripped from his brow, and his words came forth in a torrent, and Brady bade him slow, and speak more clearly; and Brady brought him cool water, fresh from a spring, for Brady was courteous to all men.
And the messenger spake, and these were his words:
“Branch the Bold has been captured. For he wandered too far afield, and Revis the Sorceror took him; and now Branch the Bold rests upon Revis Island.”
Now all were downcast, for the rumour of Revis Island reached even into the lands of the Patriots; and it was a fell place indeed.
But Belichick the Shaman emerged from his hut, and his clothes were gray; the bones he cast.
“Branch the Bold disobeyed,” said Belichick. “For I said to him: go not too deep into the lands of the Jets, but stay near the border, that is called Scrimmage.”
“That may be,” said Brady. “But what must be done now.”
And there was counsel taken; but Revis the Sorceror was acclaimed powerful indeed, and all shuddered to think of his lair.
At last Brady spoke. “I shall go,” he said. “Alone, if need be.”
But Belichick laughed, and a strange sound it was. “Brave you are, and foolhardy. Against Revis yourself you cannot hope for victory. But listen to my words.”
And Belichick told them old lore, of another island known as Tightend in the words of old; some say it means “holy isle”, but few can be sure. “And upon that island you might find three allies,” said Belichick. “Crumpler the Crafty, and Hernandez the Magnificent. And a third, besides, but that is no man: it is a beast, the Gronk. With those three you might hope to defeat Revis.”
Now the tale of Brady’s journey to Tightend is a long one indeed; and I shall not repeat it here, for many bards have sung of it, and that Lay of Boston known as the Song of Softzone is about it. But Brady mastered Crumpler with respect, and Hernandez he entranced with a smoke of purple leaves, and together the three of them tamed the mighty Gronk.
At long last they rode upon Gronk to Revis Island. And there was battle joined, but Revis the Sorceror could not lay his hands upon Brady’s new allies; for stronger they were. And at last Revis was thrown down, and the earth shook; rumour of his fall reached even to New York. And thus was Branch the Bold saved.
by quadruple option on Jan 10, 2011 10:42 PM EST reply actions 2 recs
Need to continue the tale
You’ll have to include the part where the shaman Belichick had to levy a tax upon all who dwelled in Foxboroland so that they could afford to feed the Gronk, lest he should accidentally devour the residents of the town in a hunger-induced attack.
You also need to tell us of the adventures of McCourty the Cunning and his merry band of Interceptors.
Fenway: "An alternate and better universe, disguised as a ballpark." --Thomas Boswell
But there is another side to the tale; and that is this. For when Branch the Bold was taken, and Revis the Sorceror laid his hands upon him, nearby were those men of the tribe of the Yellowflags led by the warrior Hochuli. But the Yellowflags did not stop the kidnapping; and some say that such is why there is bad blood even today between the Patriots and the Yellowflags.
by quadruple option on Jan 10, 2011 10:44 PM EST reply actions
Thou must not forget The Troy Brown
he who was so great he could play wide receiver AND cornerback.
"There’s no reason Brian Cardinal should be blocking your shot on a fast break." - Golden State of Mind
by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Jan 11, 2011 12:56 AM EST up reply actions
Truly, these Jets are a foul host of dastardly villains!
Forget not the terrible deeds of:
- Bart the Unseen; while his fearsome war-cry echoes on the field of battle before the skirmish, Bart the Unseen apparently turns invisible when the battle is actually joined.
- Old Staggering Edwards; a well-known propensity to drive his chariot into various battlements and huts while overcome by mead. Also has a giant neckbeard.
"Laser show. So relax."
"For the Patriots [playing the Jets], it was like fighting Piston Honda knowing that every time he raises an eyebrow, he's about to throw a jab."
by nuthinboutnuthin on Jan 10, 2011 11:22 PM EST reply actions
Also, forget not...
… that it was Belichick the Wise – disciple of Bill the Corpulent – who rejected the evil of the Jets’ ways and strode from New York into the wasteland, finding Kraft the Prosperous and together fostering the mighty Patriot tribe.
"Laser show. So relax."
"For the Patriots [playing the Jets], it was like fighting Piston Honda knowing that every time he raises an eyebrow, he's about to throw a jab."
by nuthinboutnuthin on Jan 10, 2011 11:30 PM EST reply actions
This is some good sh!t
"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West
by insertscreenname on Jan 11, 2011 7:10 AM EST reply actions
a quite felled the land
soon to be followed with great rejoyce. A new Decade for the same old story
Jeffrey M Melhorn
I feel like...
…..while reading this, background music should be played epic-lly.
I don't think so. Homey don't play dat.
Is it true that any that dare tread through the land of the Patriots
are hit with Spikes unless they first ask, “Mayo I enter?”
My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog
by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 11, 2011 6:36 PM EST reply actions
You... shall.... not....

PASS!
Token southern hemisphere guy - 14,688km from Foxboro. That's 9128 miles, for you heathens.
Contributing Writer at PatsPulpit
by Comedic.Sans on Jan 11, 2011 7:27 PM EST up reply actions 1 recs
Anyway the Book of Jets will be finished Monday, pending victory.
If you’re lucky I’ll tell the tale of Belichick – as some have mentioned above – and how he escaped the fetid lair of the green and white!
by quadruple option on Jan 12, 2011 1:30 AM EST reply actions
And Ryan the Loud shouted vicious words and taunts at the Patriots. “I will bring Belicheck down!” he shrieked. Foam flew as Ryan stomped and raged. The earth shook under his diatribe. Minions hastily inscribed his evil words on tablets and cast them before the Patriots. And, the hordes of New York came out of their huts, chanting songs of evil. And before an orgy of fire, they offered their babies in sacrifice as a shroud of frozen darkness settled upon their forsaken land.
But, the Patriots were not tempted. Not one spake a word as they prepared for the coming battle. And, the people of that fair and peaceful land gave thanks to their warriors for they knew they were safe.
Spake?
Now there’s a word you don’t hear very often.
"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West
by insertscreenname on Jan 12, 2011 10:59 AM EST up reply actions
Forsooth, methinks thou speaketh verily.
My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog
by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 12, 2011 11:40 AM EST up reply actions
Or spaketh, even. . . .
Fenway: "An alternate and better universe, disguised as a ballpark." --Thomas Boswell
As long as we steer clear of spanketh, I'm good.
My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog
by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 12, 2011 4:03 PM EST up reply actions
My bonnie lass, she smelleth
Making the flowers Jealouth.
My bonnie lass dismayeth
Me; all that she doth say ith:
My bonnie lass she looketh like a jewel
And soundeth like a mule.
My bonnie lass she walketh like a doe
And talketh like a crow.
My bonnie lass liketh to dance a lot;
She’s Guinevere and I’m Sir Lancelot
My bonnie lass I need not flatter;
What she doth not have doth not matter.
My bonnie lass would be nice,
Yea, even at twice the price.
Fenway: "An alternate and better universe, disguised as a ballpark." --Thomas Boswell
The hordes of New York thronged their new Captain. They cavorted around him with unrestrained joy, pulsating, eyes bulging, their bodies distorted in sadistic glee like so many shadows dancing on the wall of a great primordial cave. “But, who shall you send to defeat the boy king?”, they cried. Ryan the Loud’s great mouth twitched and then smiled. And from that piehole the size of Brazil came the words, “We shall send Sanchez!” A great cry arose from them and they chanted, “Sanchez, Sanchez, Sanchez!”
What of Cromart the Fertile...
… destined to die of shame after his defeat, such that the lamentations of his spawn – whose numbers are verily like unto grass in the meadow – shall deafen the world. On his cairn shall they carve the words:
Here lies one whose boasts exceeded his might,
And never wrapped his junk.
Slain by the hand of the God-King Brady,
And trampled by the Mighty Gronk.
"Laser show. So relax."
"For the Patriots [playing the Jets], it was like fighting Piston Honda knowing that every time he raises an eyebrow, he's about to throw a jab."
by nuthinboutnuthin on Jan 12, 2011 8:46 PM EST reply actions 1 recs
Perhaps King Brady
should come forth and receive the mighty sword, Expletive, from our Lady of the Links.
My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog
by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 13, 2011 11:05 AM EST reply actions
And the young King travelled to the waters;
Waters of which Belichick the Wise had directed down from the mountain.
They spiraled into a swirling pool upon which the young King gazed,
into a reflection of himself.
Brady reached into the waters with kind heart,
and in his hand was placed an object.
The young King slowly withdrew his hand,
and to the sky he raised it.
And, Belichick looked down from the mountain,
and smiled.
So it came to be, that on the Sabbath,
Brady casteth into the face of Ryan the Loud
the great Lemon Merangue Pie of the Mystic Waters.
A perfect frontal deposit that movethed back
the hair.
And the foul Warlord Rexs came.
But the shaman knew of his unclean desires. He knew his great weakness. So he decreed that his cheerleader maidens appear unshod. And the evil Rex was as in a trance throughout the great battle, unable to turn his gaze from the comely extremities of the flaunting damsels. His vile minions flailed hopelessly without direction or order. And a great cause was won that heroic day.
(great post quad)
Without Brady, BB is a failed NFL coach who had a 41-55 record before Brady came along and has gotten to the playoffs once in seven tries without Brady during his career.
But alas, the evil was too great, and it devoured the noble Patriots whole (shoes and all).
Only the Gronk and Hoyer of the Clipboard escaped the awful fate that befell so many of their valiant comrades that solemn night, but not through a lack of bravery on their part. For the Gronk was told by O’Brien (a saboteur planted by the Foot-loving one) to stay in the blocking scheme, and Hoyer of the Clipboard was forbidden to take part in the battle due to his gimpy arm.
"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West
by insertscreenname on Jan 17, 2011 12:21 AM EST reply actions 1 recs
Forgot to mention, the evil spent a considerable amount of time
devouring the feet of the vanquished warriors. Slathering them with BBQ sauce, and making sure that each toenail was perfectly shaped.
"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West
by insertscreenname on Jan 17, 2011 12:24 AM EST reply actions

by 





























