Navigation: Jump to content areas:


Pro Quality. Fan Perspective.
Login-facebook
Around SBN: NFL Owners Vote to Change Trade Deadline

A story.


Long ago, when the earth was still young, evil arose. Black, like smoke, it drifted from the ground in a place called New York, and there it entranced the men who dwelt there. Now that tribe was known as the Jets, and under the influence of evil they chose new colours for their standard: sickly white, like the skin of a diseased man, pale and deathly; and green, like bile or some other foul emission of the body.

And the Jets were cruel; many peoples they conquered along the coast of the land, and under the warlord Namath, they grew powerful and rich indeed. And the people groaned under the burdens of the Jets, and many a young maiden was captured, and many a young man murdered.

Now to the north lived another tribe; the Patriots they were known as, and they were a peaceful people. Now their colours were white, but pure white, not the sickly white of the Jets; and blue, for they lived by the sea, and on its waves they sailed much, and from it they pulled many fish; and red, for they were wont to give their blood in the defiance of evil. And the Jets came upon them, and for long it went ill with the Jets.

Now far to the west there was another land, and in that land was a village known as San Mateo. And in that village was born a boy named Brady. Even in youth his skill with sword and shield was unmatched; many a bandit felt the bitter edge of his blade. But there came a great turmoil in that land, and he fled eastwards, stopping only in a place named Michigan for succor. At last he came to the land of the Patriots, and the great shaman Belichick knew that here was a mighty warrior indeed.

Now the captain of the Patriots in those days was a mighty warrior named Bledsoe. But in a battle with the Jets, the cruel warrior Lewis slew Bledsoe; but over the body of his captain stood Brady, and a mountain of dead he piled beneath himself, for he would not retreat. And thus the Jets learned the name of Brady; and in New York, many foul sorcerers considered the news, and plotted great evil.

Years passed, and the Jets were driven back. But then came a new and cruel captain of men to the Jets; Ryan he was known, Black Foot his nickname, for about his neck he wore a chain of the mummified feet of his enemies. And he was a wise and powerful general, and in battle he drove back the very forces of the Patriots, though Brady himself led them.

Defeat chastened the Patriots, and the great shaman Belichick cast the bones, and he selected a warband to accompany Brady to the next battle. Wilfork the Mighty there was, who could cast a warrior aside like a lesser man might smite a fly; and Woodhead the Deft, whose skill with dagger and poison was unmatched; and Ben Jarvus the Paladin, who gave not an inch, no matter how heavy the press; and others besides, whose names I need not repeat. And in the battle that followed there was great slaughter, and Ryan retreated, but lived on.

And now there comes another battle. Rumour has reached my ears that the Jets have assembled the greatest force ever, attracting evil men from across the ocean and from the desolate hinterlands. In less than a week they shall arrive at the homeland of the Patriots, and there shall battle ensue.

It is nothing less than a battle for the future of the world.

The views expressed in these FanPosts are not necessarily those of the writers or SBNation.

Comment 40 comments  |  17 recs  | 

Do you like this story?

Comments

Display:

Epic indeed

It’s one of the reasons I love the NFL – you can’t make up the storylines that emerge year after year (no matter how hard the media tries to lay them out before training camp), the players & coaches in the spotlight change, and the plot always thickens as the season goes on.

And for Pats fans, it all comes down next Sunday to Patriots-Jets meeting for the third time in the playoffs. It doesn’t get any better than this!

Keep the faith!

by Marima on Jan 9, 2011 9:19 AM EST reply actions  

Need to change "pulled many fish" to "pulled many fish and crustaceans",

But this is superb.

"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West

by insertscreenname on Jan 9, 2011 10:07 AM EST reply actions  

Simply Brilliant.

Cyril P
cyrilp715@yahoo.com

by Cyrilp on Jan 10, 2011 4:08 PM EST reply actions  

Woodhead the Deft

Definitely some kind of elf, hailing from the flatlands of Chadron.

by dudebro on Jan 10, 2011 5:58 PM EST reply actions   1 recs

Wow. I just imagined this music playing while reading it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdmQGeX1NNc

SO REC’D.

"There’s no reason Brian Cardinal should be blocking your shot on a fast break." - Golden State of Mind

by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Jan 10, 2011 6:30 PM EST reply actions  

But will Brady free Branch the Bold from the Island of Revis?

Tune in next time for the exciting adventures of ….

My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog

by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 10, 2011 6:37 PM EST reply actions  

Wes the Wiley?

My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog

by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 10, 2011 6:37 PM EST reply actions  

Need to continue the tale

You’ll have to include the part where the shaman Belichick had to levy a tax upon all who dwelled in Foxboroland so that they could afford to feed the Gronk, lest he should accidentally devour the residents of the town in a hunger-induced attack.

You also need to tell us of the adventures of McCourty the Cunning and his merry band of Interceptors.

Fenway: "An alternate and better universe, disguised as a ballpark." --Thomas Boswell

by lone1c on Jan 11, 2011 10:38 AM EST up reply actions  

But there is another side to the tale; and that is this. For when Branch the Bold was taken, and Revis the Sorceror laid his hands upon him, nearby were those men of the tribe of the Yellowflags led by the warrior Hochuli. But the Yellowflags did not stop the kidnapping; and some say that such is why there is bad blood even today between the Patriots and the Yellowflags.

by quadruple option on Jan 10, 2011 10:44 PM EST reply actions  

Thou must not forget The Troy Brown

he who was so great he could play wide receiver AND cornerback.

"There’s no reason Brian Cardinal should be blocking your shot on a fast break." - Golden State of Mind

by OBrienSchofieldismyHero on Jan 11, 2011 12:56 AM EST up reply actions  

Truly, these Jets are a foul host of dastardly villains!

Forget not the terrible deeds of:

  • Bart the Unseen; while his fearsome war-cry echoes on the field of battle before the skirmish, Bart the Unseen apparently turns invisible when the battle is actually joined.
  • Old Staggering Edwards; a well-known propensity to drive his chariot into various battlements and huts while overcome by mead. Also has a giant neckbeard.

"Laser show. So relax."
"For the Patriots [playing the Jets], it was like fighting Piston Honda knowing that every time he raises an eyebrow, he's about to throw a jab."

by nuthinboutnuthin on Jan 10, 2011 11:22 PM EST reply actions  

Also, forget not...

… that it was Belichick the Wise – disciple of Bill the Corpulent – who rejected the evil of the Jets’ ways and strode from New York into the wasteland, finding Kraft the Prosperous and together fostering the mighty Patriot tribe.

"Laser show. So relax."
"For the Patriots [playing the Jets], it was like fighting Piston Honda knowing that every time he raises an eyebrow, he's about to throw a jab."

by nuthinboutnuthin on Jan 10, 2011 11:30 PM EST reply actions  

This is some good sh!t

"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West

by insertscreenname on Jan 11, 2011 7:10 AM EST reply actions  

a quite felled the land

soon to be followed with great rejoyce. A new Decade for the same old story

Jeffrey M Melhorn

by 18-1 damn on Jan 11, 2011 12:27 PM EST reply actions  

I feel like...

…..while reading this, background music should be played epic-lly.

I don't think so. Homey don't play dat.

by AtomicDawg on Jan 11, 2011 1:33 PM EST reply actions  

Is it true that any that dare tread through the land of the Patriots

are hit with Spikes unless they first ask, “Mayo I enter?”

My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog

by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 11, 2011 6:36 PM EST reply actions  

You... shall.... not....


PASS!

Token southern hemisphere guy - 14,688km from Foxboro. That's 9128 miles, for you heathens.
Contributing Writer at PatsPulpit

by Comedic.Sans on Jan 11, 2011 7:27 PM EST up reply actions   1 recs

Anyway the Book of Jets will be finished Monday, pending victory.
If you’re lucky I’ll tell the tale of Belichick – as some have mentioned above – and how he escaped the fetid lair of the green and white!

by quadruple option on Jan 12, 2011 1:30 AM EST reply actions  

And Ryan the Loud shouted vicious words and taunts at the Patriots. “I will bring Belicheck down!” he shrieked. Foam flew as Ryan stomped and raged. The earth shook under his diatribe. Minions hastily inscribed his evil words on tablets and cast them before the Patriots. And, the hordes of New York came out of their huts, chanting songs of evil. And before an orgy of fire, they offered their babies in sacrifice as a shroud of frozen darkness settled upon their forsaken land.

But, the Patriots were not tempted. Not one spake a word as they prepared for the coming battle. And, the people of that fair and peaceful land gave thanks to their warriors for they knew they were safe.

by WileyHyena on Jan 12, 2011 9:59 AM EST reply actions  

Spake?

Now there’s a word you don’t hear very often.

"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West

by insertscreenname on Jan 12, 2011 10:59 AM EST up reply actions  

Forsooth, methinks thou speaketh verily.

My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog

by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 12, 2011 11:40 AM EST up reply actions  

Or spaketh, even. . . .

Fenway: "An alternate and better universe, disguised as a ballpark." --Thomas Boswell

by lone1c on Jan 12, 2011 3:06 PM EST up reply actions  

As long as we steer clear of spanketh, I'm good.

My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog

by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 12, 2011 4:03 PM EST up reply actions  

My bonnie lass, she smelleth

Making the flowers Jealouth.
My bonnie lass dismayeth
Me; all that she doth say ith:

My bonnie lass she looketh like a jewel
And soundeth like a mule.
My bonnie lass she walketh like a doe
And talketh like a crow.

My bonnie lass liketh to dance a lot;
She’s Guinevere and I’m Sir Lancelot
My bonnie lass I need not flatter;
What she doth not have doth not matter.

My bonnie lass would be nice,
Yea, even at twice the price.

Fenway: "An alternate and better universe, disguised as a ballpark." --Thomas Boswell

by lone1c on Jan 12, 2011 5:00 PM EST up reply actions  

The hordes of New York thronged their new Captain. They cavorted around him with unrestrained joy, pulsating, eyes bulging, their bodies distorted in sadistic glee like so many shadows dancing on the wall of a great primordial cave. “But, who shall you send to defeat the boy king?”, they cried. Ryan the Loud’s great mouth twitched and then smiled. And from that piehole the size of Brazil came the words, “We shall send Sanchez!” A great cry arose from them and they chanted, “Sanchez, Sanchez, Sanchez!”

by WileyHyena on Jan 12, 2011 7:28 PM EST reply actions  

What of Cromart the Fertile...

… destined to die of shame after his defeat, such that the lamentations of his spawn – whose numbers are verily like unto grass in the meadow – shall deafen the world. On his cairn shall they carve the words:


Here lies one whose boasts exceeded his might,
And never wrapped his junk.
Slain by the hand of the God-King Brady,
And trampled by the Mighty Gronk.

"Laser show. So relax."
"For the Patriots [playing the Jets], it was like fighting Piston Honda knowing that every time he raises an eyebrow, he's about to throw a jab."

by nuthinboutnuthin on Jan 12, 2011 8:46 PM EST reply actions   1 recs

Perhaps King Brady

should come forth and receive the mighty sword, Expletive, from our Lady of the Links.

My life has been a trivial pursuit. Trivia: where three roads meet.
The more you know, the more you know that you don't know.
Official Fire-Puncher for Pats Pulpit an SB Nation Blog

by SlotMachinePlayer on Jan 13, 2011 11:05 AM EST reply actions  

And the young King travelled to the waters;
Waters of which Belichick the Wise had directed down from the mountain.
They spiraled into a swirling pool upon which the young King gazed,
into a reflection of himself.

Brady reached into the waters with kind heart,
and in his hand was placed an object.
The young King slowly withdrew his hand,
and to the sky he raised it.
And, Belichick looked down from the mountain,
and smiled.

So it came to be, that on the Sabbath,
Brady casteth into the face of Ryan the Loud
the great Lemon Merangue Pie of the Mystic Waters.
A perfect frontal deposit that movethed back
the hair.

by WileyHyena on Jan 13, 2011 5:03 PM EST reply actions  

And the foul Warlord Rexs came.

But the shaman knew of his unclean desires. He knew his great weakness. So he decreed that his cheerleader maidens appear unshod. And the evil Rex was as in a trance throughout the great battle, unable to turn his gaze from the comely extremities of the flaunting damsels. His vile minions flailed hopelessly without direction or order. And a great cause was won that heroic day.

(great post quad)

Without Brady, BB is a failed NFL coach who had a 41-55 record before Brady came along and has gotten to the playoffs once in seven tries without Brady during his career.

by BabeParilli on Jan 14, 2011 3:30 PM EST reply actions  

He took a mighty swing, determined to clear the fence
Nothing was heard but the swoosh of air
And words that made no sense.

by WileyHyena on Jan 14, 2011 5:21 PM EST reply actions  

But alas, the evil was too great, and it devoured the noble Patriots whole (shoes and all).

Only the Gronk and Hoyer of the Clipboard escaped the awful fate that befell so many of their valiant comrades that solemn night, but not through a lack of bravery on their part. For the Gronk was told by O’Brien (a saboteur planted by the Foot-loving one) to stay in the blocking scheme, and Hoyer of the Clipboard was forbidden to take part in the battle due to his gimpy arm.

"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West

by insertscreenname on Jan 17, 2011 12:21 AM EST reply actions   1 recs

Forgot to mention, the evil spent a considerable amount of time

devouring the feet of the vanquished warriors. Slathering them with BBQ sauce, and making sure that each toenail was perfectly shaped.

"Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me." Mayor Adam West

by insertscreenname on Jan 17, 2011 12:24 AM EST reply actions  

Comments For This Post Are Closed


User Tools

A New England Patriots Blog

Media requests: Please email patspulpit at gmail.com

FanPosts

Community blog posts and discussion.

Recommended FanPosts

_e__sorry_small
NCS's Epic Weekly Caption Contest: The 13th
Smpavatar_small
OTA - Off Topic Activities: #23 - Human Genome Edition
Small
Nate Ebner is Leonidas
Covers_small
Are you ready to step your fantasy football game up to the next level?
_e__sorry_small
NCS's Epic Weekly Caption Contest: Tom Brady's Edition

Recent FanPosts

Bruschi_small
The Big Nickel and BB's upcoming defensive revolution
Small
Looking to the AFC-East: Predictions, Analysis
Russ_3_small
Mike Reiss And Dan Leberfeld On Latest Edition Of Patriots Fourth And Two
Small
Welker taking a risk?
_e__sorry_small
NCS's Epic Weekly Caption Contest - The 11th

+ New FanPost All FanPosts >


Managing Editor

Patriot_small Greg Knopping

Assistant Editor

Belichick_2_small Marima

Headshotoj_small Richard Hill

Dscn0127_small Jared Stegall

Contributing Writers

Photo_small Austin Martin

Small Stephen Verman

Bill-belichick_small Ashto12

Peter-heisman_small Alec Shane

Moderators

Kiwi_small Comedic.Sans

A-clockwork-orange-alex_small Jack'sAxe