Content Warning: The following article contains adult themes and or references that some could find inappropriate or offensive. If you think this material may be offensive to you, do not follow the jump. The views expressed in this article do not represent Pats Pulpit or SB Nation as a whole, but that of the contributing writer.
I get a lot of questions about how I go about writing my fan notes.
And by a lot, I mean two. I've gotten exactly two questions about how I go about writing them, but that's two more questions than I've ever gotten about my writing before, so that's a lot to me. I wish there was a better story behind them, but there really isn't much to it. Basically, I watch the Patriots game with my laptop handy, and anytime something comes to mind, I write it down. After the game, I'll organize the notes in a way that I think makes the most sense, add some drivel to open and close it, post it up on Pats Pulpit, and wait for everyone to point out how completely inaccurate I am. It's a pretty standard formula, and it's been working so far.
Last night, however, I decided to try a little something different. I don't do well without some solid sack time, and I had no desire to stay up until 1 or 2 AM banging out a few opening paragraphs to round out my notes. So, I thought I'd be ultra-clever and write my opening paragraphs at halftime so I could get to bed at a decent hour.
Rookie mistake there. I really should have known better.
We all know what kind of first half New England had. It was like having to watch a school recital where your kid goes first and you can't sneak out, leaving you stuck with 24 versions of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and a bunch snotty-nosed 2nd graders playing "Hot Crossed Buns" on their recorders for 2 hours. It's enough to make anyone want to start throwing chairs. And so, when New England went into the locker room at halftime clinging to a 10-3 lead, I wasn't exactly in the mood for positivity. What ended up coming out during those fateful 12 minutes was about 400 words of angry, rambling, borderline-psychotic fan rant that would likely have gotten me kicked off of Pats Pulpit for life and made even Bob Saget himself blush. Most of it didn't even make sense and they are not the words of a mentally stable individual.
I do think I invented a few new swear words, though. So there's that.
Luckily for all of us, New England came out in the 2nd half with a long, well-balanced drive that ended in a touchdown, and the game was well in hand from that point on. Everything just seemed to click on all three phases of the game, and last night ended up being a fairly easy win and left my opening remarks even more useless than they already were. So here I am, up way past my bedtime, churning out this mularkey like a sucker and trying to save at least a little credibility.
Some of these game notes should have been deleted based on the results of the game, but I'm going to leave them in as my punishment for not having enough faith in this team early on. It should be pretty obvious where the Pats started to turn things around and I start to regain some small semblance of my sanity. It should also be obvious at this point that I don't write to well when I'm sleepy.
Because when I get sleepy, I get cranky. Notes after the jump.
- 15 of 41 Patriots starters this season were undrafted. Belichick sure has lost his touch, alright.
- What the hell was Tommy B doing right before kickoff? Snorting Gatorade? Smelling salts from a paper cup? Did he hide some dirty pictures in there or something?
- Julian Edelman gets the nod at DB? And then misses the tackle in the backfield? Well alright.
- Remember those Pats games that were already over by the beginning of the 2nd quarter, and all you had to do for the rest of the game was sit back and enjoy the rest of your
sixtwelve pack? Yeah, I miss those days.
- A maddening amount of commercials in the 1st quarter. I can only get up to get another beer so many times.
- OK, Patriots. Just pick a defense and stick with it. You either can't stop a nosebleed or you're at stout as they come. I can't deal with getting my hopes up and then being let down every other week.
- Brady's timing is still off. Rumors abound that he has a deep bone bruise on his throwing arm, but that should affect his accuracy, not his timing.
- How many freaking people are getting Lexuses for Christmas this year?! Seriously.
- Thank you, Deion Branch, for cramping up like that towards the end of the 2nd quarter. I found looking at you on the sidelines with both legs up in the air hysterical, and I really needed a laugh at that point.
- Good Lord, Jaws...want some time alone with Tyler Palko? Maybe dinner and a movie? A walk on the beach, perhaps?
- Ummmmm hello? Patriots? Is anybody there? Hurry up, you're missing the game!
- GRONK! There it is! That's what this team needed.
- A question for the fellas out there: how much money would you have to get paid to take a Rob Gronkowski spike directly to the groin? If any of you would do it for a penny less than $10,000, you clearly either a) don't pay enough attention to Gronk, or b) have no respect for your body.
- Good lord, Tom Brady - you are SLOW. You figure a lifetime spent running away from gaggles of screaming women and 30 year-old out of shape manchildren that write for Patriots blogs would have given you a little more speed.
- New England had a prime opportunity to put the Chiefs away to start the 3rd quarter. What did they do? BENJARVUS! GRONK! That's what they did. Boo Ya. Finally opened the 2nd half with a scoring drive.
- Seriously - fantastic opening drive there. Lots of passing mixed with a heavy dose of runs, plenty of energy, a sense of urgency, and a fierce tempo that ended with a well-earned explosion in the end zone. Kind of like me after a Denny's Country Fried Steak and Eggs breakfast.
- On that 3rd and 14 after the Andre Carter sack, Jonathan Baldwin was wide open; Palko just overthrew him. Pretty much any other quarterback would have converted there. We are still having a hard time covering.
- Atta boy, Kyle Arrington! Way to lead the NFL in picks.
- Give Tommy B enough time, and he'll figure out pretty much any defensive scheme you throw at him.
- That said - any desire to come back to the Patriots, Romeo Crennel? You sure know how to dial up a defense.
- You know what was embarrassing? When the camera would cut to the crowd on KC's 3rd downs to show a bunch of fans casually clapping. This ain't no golf match, peeps.
- You know, Julian Edelman...just when I think you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...AND TOTALL REDEEM YOURSELF!
- Seriously, Julian - you were due, my man. All that running around back there, you were bound to break one eventually.
- Looking back at the replay of that punt return, it looked like Edelman was about half a second away from taking out some poor ballboy running across the end zone with a wall spike. He was able to tuck it away, though, and he avoided disaster. Based on his recent antics, I'm actually surprised he knows how to tuck balls away.
- I just realized that I'm a lot funnier when the Patriots are winning.
- My stance on whether or not I like Jon Gruden seems to change on a weekly basis. On one hand, absolutely nothing that guy says makes any sense whatsoever. On the other hand, he's just so damn happy all the time, and he acts like every player on the field is a first ballot Hall of Famer. It's almost infectious.
- Great example: that ridiculous NBA-to-NFL draft he busted out. What a load of crap - but I've never seen him so excited about anything- and that's saying something. Towards the end of that rant, I was like "yeah, Gruden! Let's see it! Rondo to the Jets!"
- Hit stick, Jerod Mayo! Two weeks in a row now!
- I was actually OK with New England giving Palko a lot of short options. With a 3 score lead and an inexperienced quarterback, it's a pretty good strategy.
- That said, though: at times, this defense made Tyler Palko look pretty damn solid. Memo to New England's: the quarterback who gave you fits last night wasn't good enough to secure a spot in the UFL or the CFL. Just throwing it out there.
- The theme of yesterday's game? Halftime adjustments. The team that played the 2nd half of that matchup was a completely different squad than the one that pooped out 30 minutes of non-football to open the night up.
- Nasty fall for Gronk on that 2nd TD. But based on the spike, I think he's OK.
- A big plus to take away from the 1st half: yet another example of a defense making enough plays to keep it competitive while the offense found its groove. Belichick always harps on team football, and New England is finally answering the call.
- Where the hell was Mark Anderson weeks 1 through 9?
- Antwaun Molden! You gotta catch those picks, buddy!
- Luckily for you, seasoned veteran and world-renowned ballhawk Phillip Adams came through and bailed you out like he has so many times before.
- At one point, Andre Carter, Vince Wilfork, Kyle Love and Ross Ventrone were all standing next to each other. Hilarious. All I could think of was that Sesame Street song, "One of these things is not like the other one, one of these things just doesn't belong..."
- Big fan of being able to relax in the 4th quarter of games. If New England can just go ahead and put games over early so I don't have any more heart attacks, that would be great.
- Look at you, Shane Vereen! Get after it! That's a fast dude.
- What's going on with Taylor Price? He seems healthy, based on the garbage time snaps he got. Why isn't New England getting him more involved?
- Oh Logan Mankins. You are just awesome. You can get called for a garbage time personal foul any day of the week.
- I hope we start seeing more rumblings from morons complaining about how the Patriots are classless for running up the score. I always love when that happens. Football is a 60 minute game - should New England just mail it in in the final minutes? Should I just mentally check out at work an hour before quitting time every day?
- OK, bad example.
- How great was that vintage clip of a drunk Boston Patriots fan running onto the field to break up a play against the Dallas Texans? I've never been more proud to be associated with this team.
- Go back and watch that first Kyle Arrington pick for nothing else than to see Kyle Love absolutely BLOW UP Jake O'Connell. That's the kind of hit that leaves a perfect human outline hole in a wall.
- I was amazed to actually find myself agreeing with something Ron Jaworski said last night: if New England takes a full half to wake up against the Philadelphia Eagles, this team will be in for a long night.
- The good news is that Tommy B reeaaallly wasn't happy in the post-game interview, and I think only 40% of it was because he had to talk to Suzy Kolber. Clearly not pleased with the Patriots' first half performance - that's what I'm talkin' about, Tommy. Never satisfied unless he's flawless.
Sometimes games like these really are the toughest - not from a talent standpoint, but from being able to get up and play to your full potential standpoint. It took a full half of football to do it, but at the end of the day the Patriots showed that they can hang with anybody in the National Football League if they play as a team. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot of time to savor this win; a Monday night game means that this is a short week of preparation, and with Thanksgiving coming up on Thursday (yesss), it's already time to turn the page and focus on a suddenly surging Eagles team.
And yes, I'm very much aware that Pats/Eagles is also a night game. Don't worry, lesson learned - I won't be writing anything else until the game is over from now on. If I end up dragging ass at work the next day, so be it. After all - priorities.