Welcome to Chez Hoodie, the finest and most selective dining establishment in the entire world. It's only open once a week, for a single meal, and you can't get reservations unless you schedule a party of 53 about a year in advance. But once you get your scheduled date and time, it's a dining experience like none other. . . .
Rather than feeding you huge portion after portion, Chez Hoodie operates on a "tasting menu" principle, with bite-sized portions of each dish that will leave you begging for mercy at the end of the night. And what are these tasty morsels? The finest gourmet specialties from around the world? Of course not!
At Chez Hoodie, each course is designed to provide overdoses of pain, humiliation, and suffering. While the service itself lasts only a few hours, the hangover will last for weeks, and the memories will last a lifetime.
Of course, as there is constant turnover in the staff and clientele at Chez Hoodie, the menu must change on a regular basis as well.
You'll see some of the new entrées after the jump!
Miami-Style Defense Soufflé
Collapsed, of course, by Chez Hoodie's very own Wes Welker.
It tastes good, right until the last moment. . . . just ask the Dallas Cowboys.
Arrington Con Pollo
Did your QB throw up a wounded duck? Don't worry, Kyle Arrington will make sure it doesn't hit the ground!
You may not recognize any of the ingredients, but the Patriots defense can keep your offense out of the end zone.
Palko-Crusted Blackened Kansas City Strip Steak
The price teams pay for bringing awful quarterbacks: you might move the ball, but the scoreboard doesn't lie.
Wilfork-Tender Offensive Linemen
And don't forget Vince Wilfork, capable of dropping offensive linemen and dropping into coverage!
Fruit Punch (Rob Gronkowski's Family Recipe)
After your defense inevitably gives up a touchdown to GRONK, he'll soothe your fallen spirits with his family's fruit punch. Of course, since only adults are served at Chez Hoodie, you know that it'll be spiked. (We don't know how, since we're afraid to ask.)
Chef Belichick will specially select one of Julian Edelman's three chili recipes: Wide Receiver (mild), Special Teams (spicy), and Defensive Back (three-alarm fire).
Warning: The Defensive Back recipe may be dangerous for those guests with more delicate constitutions.
And, of course, every seating at Chez Hoodie ends with plenty of Humble Pie!