(Please Note: I love his work as a nice antidote to the other guys who think there are 300 potential first rounders, but his pessimism is still worthy of a thorough skewering)

Ndamukong Suh

Strengths: Powerful, good leg drive, productive, vicious streak.

Weaknesses: Struggles vs. triple teams. Does not have bulletproof skin and probably vulnerable to 9mm fire. Failed to move a train with his pinky finger. Monosyllabic surname does not create sufficient fear.

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Julius Peppers:

Strengths: Athletic, strong, quick off the edge. Great flexibility. Will get 10+ sacks a year

Weaknesses: Salt is a far superior condiment. Confusing - is it white or black pepper? Dominated at basketball so may watch NBA when he should be watching NFL film. Name reminds me of Everybody Hates Chris, and thus reminds me of Chris Rock wearing that black latex suit one time.

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Dan Marino

Strengths: Good arm strength. Accurate, good touch, fast release.

Weaknesses: It's spelled marinara, and I hate it. Failed to beat out a Patriot missile in a surface-to-air contest. Has missed at least four passes in college. TD to INT ratio is not 100:1. Sometimes throws off 3-step drop, as if 5-steps is too far - questions on cardiovascular endurance.

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Lawrence Taylor

Strengths: Sudden, violent, long. Excellent first step. Can swim, bullrush, or rip through tackles.

Weaknesses: My gypsy workmate suggests he may face rape charges in 25 years. Lawrence sounds kind of girly. Has been beaten off the mark by many Olympic sprinters. Has never faced a nuclear powered, red hot robot at left tackle - what if these become standard in the NFL?

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What are some other evaluations we should look at?