A few thoughts as I scarf down on the leftover sushi from Miami.
- How mighty was Wes Welker's stiff-arm? Apparently it not only knocked Benny Sapp to the ground, it knocked him off the Dolphins' roster. And it also apparently knocked Gil Santos's eyes right out of their sockets. He mistook 5-foot-not-all-that-much Wes Welker for GRONK. GRONK. GRONK! I mean, come on, I know it's hard to see from so far up in the media booths, but mistaking the smallest and biggest position players for one another? I mean, that's like confusing Twiggy and Kathy Bates, or Lady Gaga with a talented singer, or a Jets fan with a human being!
- Tom Brady had so much time in the pocket on Monday night that word in the locker room is that he's getting calls from the Barcalounger company wanting an in-game product placement deal. Country Time lemonade and some bunny slipper manufacturers are also looking to get in on the deal. (The manufacturers of the Snuggie have not, thank Tom.)
- Found on a scrap of paper in a trash can outside Gillette:
- Seeing a linebacker on goal-line stands—for the offense? Gives lone1c the warm fuzzies all over again, as I reminisce fondly about the days when Mike Vrabel and Junior Seau would make the skill players mad by getting reps. (Particularly Vrabes and his "HOLY CRAP, I'M CATCHING A TOUCHDOWN PASS FROM TOM F***IN' BRADY" look when a ball was headed his way in the end zone.) It's a crying shame that Fletcher wasn't able to get a TD, but I'm sure he'll have other opportunities.
- Speaking of Fletcher, he should be the new poster boy if Visa ever decides to come back to Foxboro for commercials. On Monday night, he was everywhere you wanted him to be. Think about it. An undrafted rookie free agent last year, and now he's getting the green dot on defense in the preseason, playing lots of defensive reps while still doing all four special teams units, and being asked to join in the offense games to play fullback? There aren't a lot of possibilities here. Perhaps he's got some dirt on where Belichick's got the bodies stashed away. On the other hand, seeing as he seems to be doing a competent job, perhaps he's like all those other unheralded guys who come to Foxboro, work their tails off, and thrive. Nah, it's gotta be the blackmail.
- How exactly are we supposed to refer to the exploits of Dan Gronkowski? GRONK! and all of its forms have already been taken by Rob. Do we write "gronk!" instead? (Note: "gronk" is read in a normal tone of voice, rather than shouted like "GRONK" would be.) What about "OTHER BROTHER!" or maybe "NOT-GRONK GRONK!"? I don't know, but we need to figure it out.
- Does Julian Edelman spend some of his time in the offseason volunteering as a traffic cop? It's always amusing watching him direct the blockers as he jackknifes his way through the field.
- I think that Albert Haynesworth's therapy may have involved being hooked up to an IV feeding him Bill's Special Kool-Aid. His recent interviews have him so fully in thrall to Darth Hoodie and the team philosophy it's almost spooky.
- Okay, now on the other hand, what do you think we can get for Gary Guyton right now? A seventh-rounder in 2015? Or perhaps a real stud like Cameron Maybin? (Stop laughing. I'm totally serious.)
- Do you think the other 31 defensive coordinators in the NFL saw Matthew Slater's snag and lost their dinners? I expect at least a few of them spent Monday night sitting in a dark corner, rocking themselves back and forth, sucking their thumbs, and sobbing "Make it stop, mommy. Make the Bad Man stop coming up with offensive weapons!"
- And last, but not least, a valedictory GRONK. Because there can never be too much GRONKage.
BILL'S TO-DO LIST FOR MIAMI
* Figure out how to tell Gronkowski brothers apart
* Concoct new exotic defensive scheme
* Motivate TFB by telling him his Uggs endorsement deal's gone unless he throws for at least 4 TD's
* Get Dolphin employee fired (extra smirk allowed at media presser if it's a player)