1001 Foxboro Nights: The Tale of Edellocks and the Tight Ends

Hi, I'm lone1c, and I'm in desperate need of psychiatric help. In the meanwhile, since it's so long until the Patriots actually play, enjoy this little bedtime tale to keep you busy for a few minutes.

Once upon a time, in the magical kingdom of Foxboro, there lived the mighty Prince Tom, a fierce warrior who rode out into many battles, and returned home victorious against many a stalwart opponent. Among the mightiest of Prince Tom's weapons was the Gronklerdez, a vicious three-headed monster that acted as both shield and weapon, and required many an enemy soldier even to slow down., let alone to stop or bring down  Many an opposing solder was even dragged along in their wake, powerless to shut down the fearsome onslaught of the Gronklerdez.


However, the three-headed monster had a weakness: even monsters cannot stop the onslaught of time. Alge, the oldest and wisest part of the Gronklerdez, who taught the young GRONK and Hernandez how to become stout and reliable bulwarks in Prince Tom's army, had fought in too many battles, and could no longer go out into the field. And thus was the mighty Gronklerdez laid low.


Meanwhile, in another part of the enchanted realm, a young squire named Edelman was pondering his fate in life. Young Edelman had been in Prince Tom's army for two years already, but never had a real chance to demonstrate his worth. Oh, he admired the mighty prince—how could he not, as he wanted to be a great general, but because of his smaller size, was content with becoming one of the Smurfs, Prince Tom's legion of cunning knights. But that didn't stop young Edelman from emulating his idol in as many ways as he could, even growing out hi hair into great long tresses, and earning him the nickname "Edellocks" from all of his fellow soldiers.


But to return to our story, young Edellocks was deep in thought when along came Fletcher, his trusty Great Dane. "Why so troubled, Edellocks?" asked the shaggy Fletcher.


"I want to become a Smurf in Prince Tom's army, but I don't know how. How do I become a Smurf?"


"Well, have you considered asking the Smurfs how they became Smurfs?"


"How can I? They're so elusive, and difficult to stop!"


"It's easy , really. You just need to get their attention. Do you have a poster and a felt marker?"




"Well, we're going to give them a reason to stop and listen."


A few minutes later, young Edellocks was walking around with a sign reading "Want to DE-FEET the Meadowlands Swamp Mud Rockets? ASK ME HOW!"


"Are you sure this will work, Fletcher?"


"Of course it will. There's nothing the Smurfs hate more than the bloated Swamp King. They'll do anything to stop them."


"Indeed we will!" cried out Sir Wes, the leader of  the three Smurfs. "So how do we stop Rex the Horrible?"


"We'll tell you," said Fletcher, "if you tell Edellocks here how to become a Smurf."


"Let me confer with my associates for a moment." The three Smurfs then entered into the smallest huddle ever seen in the land of Enneffellia. A moment later, the Smurfs turned as one, with sly grins on their faces


"You have a deal. The key to becoming a Smurf is to complete a quest!" replied Sir Deion.


"And if you want to find a new quest, you should start by talking to the GRONK," piped in Sir Danny.


"Just make sure he's been fed first," offered Sir Wes. "Now how do we stop Rex?"


"Well," said Fletcher, "you're going to need some supplies, starting with a thousand cheeseburgers, a pedicure kit, some molds of your feet, and some cement. . . ."


* * * * *

So the Smurfs set off to vanquish the Swamp King, while young Edellocks and Fletcher went in search of the GRONK. When they reached the GRONK's house, they saw a giant tank filled with water sitting outside the cave. "What's in the tank?"


"Uh-oh. That's the GRONK's lunch! We'll have to hide!" whispered Fletcher. As they sought shelter behind some nearby bushes, they heard a great rumble come from the cave. "They're giving the GRONK an entire Dolphin for lunch. He'll be going into battle soon. But when he's finished, we'll be able to ask him."


"How long will that take? A Dolphin is huge." But no sooner had Edellocks said that, than a giant paw swiped the Dolphn out of the tank. Mere moments later, a pile of bones sat outside the entrance to the cave."


"Not too long," quipped Fletcher, "now ask him your question. Just shout your question at the cave."


"Okay. Here goes nothing. Hey GRONK, do you have a quest for me?"


A loud belch emanated from the cave, followed by a great and terrible noise that sounded like "GROOOOOONK." 


"Oh," said Fletcher. "GRONK is looking for his older brother!" Young Edellocks looked puzzled.


"You speak GRONK, Fletch?"


"Well, yeah. We were kennel mates together when we were both puppies."


"Huh. Learn something new every day, I guess." Edellocks turned once more to the cave. "So how do we find your brother." A longer, higher "GROOOOOOOOONK" this time, almost sad.


"He said that Dan was part of a failed donkey caravan out west, led by one of King Bill's old advisors."


"I heard about that. They got lost in the mountains. But I think we can find him. Ready to go on an adventure?"


And off they went. And whlle the way was arduous and the challenges great, the tale is already quite long, so let us skip ahead to the ending. Edellocks and Fletcher indeed  managed to find the elder GRONK and bring him back to Foxboro, and the reunion was merry. The three-headed Tight End Monster was made whole once more, and flattened and crushed many a foe to smithereens. For their heroic efforts, Edellocks and Fletcher were rewarded for their heroic deeds with greater roles in Prince Tom's army.


And the Smurfs did lay waste to the Swamp King with Fletcher's plan, but that, my friends, is the tale for another day. . . .

The views expressed in these FanPosts are not necessarily those of the writers or SBNation.

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