FanPost

Weaponized Weather?

b2_zps9cd145ce.0.jpg

Scusset Beach, Blizzard of 2014

12/14 1:00 ET At New England -7.5 Miami 48

One of the bright points of this rivalry was when we beat them in that Snowplow game back in the day. I think that this game sits heavily on the psyche of every Dolphins fan old enough to remember it.

Miami (and Oakland, I'm sure) will have a slight fear of Snow forevermore, as Poe might not have said. We've already seen what a nor'easter can do to Peyton Manning, and no one on Miami is as good as Peyton Manning. Miami and Oakland are whole franchises who share that fear.

Where I'm heading with this.... is there anything in the rulebook which specifically prohibits efforts by a team to alter the weather? I'd love a snowstorm for warm-weather Miami. It wouldn't be that hard to make a localized one, we could just drag down some snowmaking equipment and a few super-powered fans.

I'd bet that Wachusett Mountain would happily winterize 3500 square yards of Foxboro in exchange for a one-day renaming of the stadium as Wahhh-Wa-Wa-Wachusett Mountain Stadium. They could pump snow onto the field all game long, or at least when Miami has the ball. If not, I could talk someone into it if given a phone, some ski resort brochures and a whole lot of permission from several people. I could sell that chicken, blogger.

I'm visualizing Peyton Manning in this role, but you could easily throw Miami as a team into it... just imagine Peyton on the team bus, enjoying the ride through a seasonal New England winter day. It's sunny, mid 40s, light wind.... and then the bus rounds the last corner before the stadium, and a blizzard suddenly appears. I'd hose Peyton down with the snowmaker the instant he stepped off the bus, right in his stupid Manning face. If the team had any primitive people on it, they'd probably flee in terror.

The problem with this idea, as is often the case with my ideas, is that the NFL would probably call bullship on this idea.

New England, 37-13

12/14 1:00 ET At Kansas City -10 Oakland 41.5

KC needs a series of team plane crashes to make the playoffs, which is also New England having the last laugh following that curbstomping they put on us earlier in the season. The real high stakes in this game lie in Oakland, who rock a 2-11 record and are/should be in a Tank Contest with the other crappy teams. They just handed the keys to Derek Carr, but would they kick him to the curb for the Heisman Trophy winner? I'd hate to pass on 38 TD/2 INT so I could hand the next decade of my life to David Carr's kid brother.

KC, 20-7


12/14 1:00 ET At Baltimore -13.5 Jacksonville 45

Not a lot of people know this, but Edgar Allen Poe wrote a Raven II poem very late in life. In this version, the mournful narrator cheers up suddenly as he realizes that Baltimore's playoff road involves a trip through Jacksonville, while the San Diego road (San Diego hadn't been invented in Poe's era, but the city can be recognized by certain geographical reference points) involves a shootout with Peyton Manning.

Baltimore, 28-13


12/14 1:00 ET Pittsburgh -3 At Atlanta 55.5

Ben Roethlisburger or however he spells that was America's most notable alleged serial rapist before Bill Cosby's life fell apart. Ben is currently the only person who is comforted by watching Fat Albert these days.

Pittsburgh, 30-28


12/14 1:00 ET At Indianapolis -6.5 Houston 49

You wonder how Houston went from 2-14 or so to 7-6 and burgeoning, but then you remember that the AFC South has a pair of 2-11 teams in it. Part of me still believes that Houston should return to that Oiler jersey they used to have.

Indy, 34-17


12/14 1:00 ET At Cleveland -1 Cincinnati 44

The Battle of Ohio could go either way, but you never really go broke betting against Cleveland in an important game. Even if you lose this one, you'll eventually win over time.

Cincy, 28-17

12/14 1:00 ET At Carolina -3 Tampa Bay 41.5

Cam Newton got put into the back breaker, double-pump rump shaker this week. The gods of the road broke his motherloving back like Ken Patera. He's not on the road today, which is probably a good thing in many ways for many people, himself included.

Tampa Bay, 14-13


12/14 1:00 ET At NY Giants -6.5 Washington 47

It would be funny if Obama, in a lame-duck F-U fury, seized the Redskins team and awarded it as reparations to some tribe who lost out on a casino bid. I greatly desire seeing a major franchise change names.

Washington should choose from regional ones like Crabs, history-friendly ones like Hogs, Asian-merchandise-friendly ones like Dragons, and so forth.

I'd go with Zombies. Zombie movies are popular, no one I can even think of is offended by Zombies, and the crowd could dress and act like Zombies. It'd be a lot of fun, and would take the sting out of losing the traditional name.

NYG, 14-13


12/14 1:00 ET Green Bay -4.5 At Buffalo 50.5

Buffy probably needs to be 10-6 to make the playoffs, and that means Oakland, New England and the Discount Double Check guy have to suffer December Ls. If the gods keep New England from the AFC title game, I'd happily accept Buffalo hosting it in one of those 6-feet-per-day blizzards, especially against Manning.

Green Bay, 38-10


12/14 4:25 ET At Detroit -7.5 Minnesota 42

Detroit and Dallas are slugging it out for the final spot, and Detroit has this game and two Bays. One can very easily imagine Detroit choking on one of the gimme games, but it's tough to bet on Disasters.

Detroit, 27-7


12/14 4:05 ET NY Jets -3 At Tennessee 42

If you view this game as a tanking contest, it's like fantasy football. Geno Smith is the #1 overall pick, Jake Locker or whoever takes the snaps is a fine consolation pick, you have 3-5 guys who can run for 30 yards and no TDs, and it's always a good idea to think that Percy Harvin may be injured today. Sexy Rexy could pen his own obituary. What's not to like?

NYJ, 7-6


12/14 4:05 ET Denver -4.5 At San Diego 51

San Diego's last 3 games are this one, San Francisco, and KC. Baltimore has Houston, Jacksonville and Cleveland.

Denver, 48-10


12/14 4:25 ET At Seattle -9.5 San Francisco 38

Lady Karma would be pleased if Michael Crabtree burned Richard Sherman for a TD that knocked Seattle out of the playoffs.

San Francisco, 20-19


12/14 8:30 ET At Philadephia -3.5 Dallas 55

Dallas almost certainly needs to run the table in order to not have the billionaire owner hacking away at the roster all winter.

Philly, 31-27

Monday Night Football Line
12/15 8:30 ET New Orleans -3 At Chicago 54

N'Awlins could jump up to the 4th seed if they beat a reeling Bears team after an Atlanta loss.

NO, 40-17

The views expressed in these FanPosts are not necessarily those of the writers or SB Nation.