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Gutless Colts Bar Ticket Sales to Patriots Fans

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Colts Afraid Too?
Lebowski: The Dude abides

So the Indianapolis Colts are following the San Diego Chargers' lead. They're not selling tickets to anyone outside the metro Indy area.

In Colts tradition, the team took its 'fraidy cat tactics to levels never dreamed in San Diego. Not only did they refuse online and phone sales completely, they sold tickets only at the stadium box office and at local Ticketmaster outlets.

But that's not all. Nope. Poster Boy appeared on TV and delivered an impassioned plea imploring ticket holders not to sell their tickets, and, if they do, "please, don't sell them to Patriots fans. If you have to sell them, at least sell them to Colts fans."

Manning complained that there were too many Kansas City Chiefs fans in the RCA Dome for Indy's 20-8 win. That probably explains the 12-point victory.

"We need that stadium totally packed in blue. No Patriots," Manning said.

Yes! Now we have him.

This actually explains a lot, particularly Ty Law's three interceptions a few years ago. Apparently, Manning doesn't know that the Patriots and their fans wear a lot of blue.

In an effort to even further augment the home field advantage, everyone arriving at the stadium will be required to show a valid ID, provide proof of residency in the form of a bill in the bearer's name to a local address, and submit to a DNA test.

Anyone allowed into the stadium need to signed a binding agreement to adhere to a very stringent set of cheering rules. Each will be provided with an amplified bullhorn that will transmit voice or play any number of available tunes, including and "Charge", "The Wheels on the Bus" and "Zippity Do Dah!"

Anyone breaking the rules or cheering for the Patriots or any New England team will be escorted to the state line.

In addition, the New England bench will be removed, forcing the players to stand for the entire game, and the Patriots' dressing room will be located behind a couple hanging canvas tarps along the public concourse under Section 347.

Finally, Colts president Bill Polian who, when the teams take the field, will punch every Patriots player in the stomach as hard as he can -- except Tom Brady. Polian will be allowed to live Shawn Merriman's dream and punch Tom Brady "right in the mouth."

Told he would be unable to attend the game, rabid Patriots fan Jeffrey Lebowski nodded and said, "Yeah, well. The Dude abides," and he bought a 37-inch plasma TV in tribute Rodney Harrison.

Poll

The Colts ticket restrictions are ...

This poll is closed

  • 22%
    ... even more lame than San Diego's.
    (4 votes)
  • 27%
    ... a sign of a bunch of gutless cowards.
    (5 votes)
  • 22%
    ... pretty much what you'd expect from Poster Boy's club.
    (4 votes)
  • 16%
    ... perfectly fine under the tenets of Soviet Communism.
    (3 votes)
  • 11%
    ... likely to result in a half-empty stadium.
    (2 votes)
18 votes total Vote Now