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Reasons to beat the Dolphins, Part I

The 2008 NFL season is a disaster, a mess of ginormous propotions.  It's "seventy in November" wrong.  It's "Tina Fey could really be VP and noone would've been the wiser" wrong.  It's "ketchup on Fenway Franks" wrong; no sauerkraut, or chili either.  Only mustard and onions belong on a hot dog, thank you.  It's "Miracle Whip in a tuna fish sandwich" wrong, but I digress.

I've appended "Part I" to this title because sometimes I get inspired.  However rare, I may be motivated to create a, I don't know, Part II or something.  I could even go to Part XCIX  (you're gonna look that up, aren't you?).  At any rate, there are many things wrong with this season and one of them is the Dolphins.  They are seriously messing with the karma of the AFC by, like, winning and stuff.  Not only winning, but beating conference and division opponents.  That's key for wildcard berths.  The list of rules is insane, but simply put: it's good to beat teams in your backyard.

Ok, onto my reasons to beat the 'Fins:

  • 'Fins Fans - All of a sudden, it's cool to like the Dolphins.  Where was the pride and support when they were a laughing stock?  True fans wear their jersey no matter what and take their lumps.  True fans know, everything turns around at some point.
  • Bill Parcells - Ever since Belichick jumped ship from New York green to New England red, white, and blue, Tuna has been hating on him.  It may have waned a bit, but it was ugly early on.  I'd like nothing more than to see Belichick school Parcells' newest protege.
  • Chad Pennington - I just don't like his name.  Saying that name makes me feel like I should be eating finger sandwiches and sipping mimosas during a game instead of getting yelled at for dripping hot wing sauce on the rug.
  • Joey Porter - Trust me, there WILL be more to come with this character.  You see, he never ceases to amaze with the endless amount of drivel he can vomit out of his pie hole.  One minute, he's in his son's opposing football coach's face for "running up the score" and the next he's complaining about "respect" and NE "beating" on the Dolphins in 2007.  I'm sure he explained to his son that that opposing coach was a big fat poopy head.  Yeah, that fits.  But complaining about a 2007 trouncing by NE?  Did you forget Week 3 in Foxboro...Joey?  I don't think you heard NE fans or players complaining.  In fact, it was more to the tune of, "We better get our act together."  Man up and forget all of that "respect" nonsense or the tiniest slight, the smallest perceived injustice will turn you into yet another street thug.  You're having a great year.  Stop using it as an excuse to speak.  Because you can't.  The next Mercury Morris you ain't.

All for now.  Don't even tell me you like ketchup on hot dogs.  And XCIX is 99.