clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Tom Brady laughs at your inadequacies

Recently, Rob Lunn at New England Sports Network decided to waste his time and yours by writing an article listing five things that make Tom Brady better than the rest of the population of the planet earth.

If Patriots quarterback Tom Brady were indeed better than 99 percent of the adult population in the entire world, the following would be the reasons why.

But you know what? If I was hitting my stride as a blogger in the early '90s, we'd be talking about Jim Kelly and the Buffalo Bills. I'd just like to note how relative these stories are. One day you're dating Gisele Bundchen, the next it's Tim Tebow.

If Lunn were "hitting his stride" as a blogger in the 1990s, he likely would not be getting paid the handsome haul he is now to pen useless articles like this one for NESN. I'm still trying to figure out how Gisele and Tebow relate to this discussion.

Lunn goes on to list Brady's abs, dimpled chin, fashion sense, his taste in women, and his great hair as reasons why Tommy likely laughs himself to sleep every night whenever he thinks of how silly and pathetic the rest of the world is compared to him.

But why stop at only five reasons, Rob?

I mean, if you are going to get paid for writing a hack article that is about as entertaining as watching a Tim Tebow Focus on Family commercial, you might as well come up with more than five reasons why you are gay for Brady Brady is the envy of all heterosexual males everywhere.

After the jump, Pats Pulpit gives you a few more insights into Tom Brady's awesomeness.

6. He's a multi-gazllionare who is negotiating a contract to make him the highest paid player in NFL history.

I mean, anyone with more money than you is so obviously better than you it isn't worth explaining. Just shut up, know your place, and continue bagging their groceries already.


7. He's f*cking a supermodel.

I realize this relates a bit to Lunn's #4 reason, but I think mine gets the point across better. Suggesting that Giselle was Tommy's "rebound" after he impregnated and then dumped Bridget Moynahan is a tad simplistic. I think just saying "he bumps uglies nightly with the world's richest supermodel" sounds better and makes straight males everywhere feel less adequate.


8. He cares about the planet.

While you are at home complaining about the stupid judging on American Idol, Tom Brady is being pro-active about our planet by doing public service announcements for Earth Hour. Also, if you watch the video, it looks like Tommy knows how to chop up a red pepper. Betcha you don't know how to do that, do ya?


9. He admits he surfs Internet for porn.

Seriously, how many guys would admit to GQ magazine that they search the net for porn? How many? Hell, most straight guys hide their porn from their own girlfriends and wives.


10. He's got a large package

Skip to the 1:49 mark on this video. Your's is smaller.