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Tom Brady is Cooked; Offense is Raw

Warning: Do not read if you can't interpret sarcasm through a computer screen. Or a phone screen. Or a tablet. Really, just whatever you're reading on in this new-fandangled age of technology.

Stephen Lovekin

I'm going to go on record as the first person this year to state that without a doubt Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is done. Over the hill. Hopeless. He's looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy and playing like 2011 Colt McCoy, and I'm not sure which is more insulting.

As it stands, the Patriots only have a two game lead in the AFC East, which is an entire half game less than the league's largest distance the Bengals have in the AFC North. It's clear New England is standing at the precipice of disaster and all the fault lies with the impotent arm of Tom Brady.

Through eight games, Brady's setting some near record lows. His career-low Passer Rating is sitting at a paltry 74.9, nearly 5 whole points lower than his disastrous 2003 season. His completion rate is also at a career low at 55.7%- His next four worst completion ratings through 8 games were in 2006 (58%), 2004 (59.7%), 2003 (60.3%), and 2001 (62.5%). His current touchdown count (9) is his lowest since 2003 (8) and 2001 (10).

That this year is going as poorly as those is a scary thought, and the fact that players like Reche Caldwell, Daniel Graham, and Doug Gabriel aren't going to walk through the locker room door pretty much spells doom for this franchise.

Please note that the Patriots are tied for their third worst start in the Brady era.

Make sure you point out the fact that the Patriots receiving corps are their most inexperienced since Rob Gronkowski's rookie season (fun fact: this marks the first season Brady isn't throwing to a receiver over the age of 30. The oldest receiver is Danny Amendola, who turns 28 on November 2nd).

Whatever you do, make it clear that the Patriots are on pace for the same record as last season, when they couldn't even make the Super Bowl.

And this is all Brady's fault.

I blame him for all the injuries to Danny Amendola, Aaron Dobson, Matthew Slater, Dan Connolly, Sebastian Vollmer, Shane Vereen, Leon Washington, Stevan Ridley, Rob Gronkowski, Vince Wilfork, Tommy Kelly, Jerod Mayo, Kyle Arrington, Alfonzo Dennard, Aqib Talib, and Adrian Wilson.

I blame him Ridley's fumbles, the miscommunications on the offensive line, the porous nature of the defensive line's core, and Bill Belichick's grumpy face.

I blame him for Wes Welker going to the Broncos, the Chiefs going undefeated, Marvin Jones scoring four touchdowns last week, and the deplorable state of my fantasy football team (even though I have Eli Manning at quarterback, instead of Brady).

I blame him for pushing Will Svitek on the overtime field goal against the Jets, for all these notions that the Patriots are no longer the dominant team in the AFC East, and for every single lousy update to Tweetdeck and my Facebook news feed.

This season is all Brady's fault, and I just wanted to be the first one to point that out. Because no matter what happens the rest of the year, with Gronkowski getting back up to speed, Amendola recovering from his groin injury, Vereen getting back on the field, Ridley getting his playing time inevitably increased, and the defense playing with half a roster, Tom Brady is the reason for them being where they currently are.

And even though the trading deadline is passed, it might be in the Patriots best interest to call up San Francisco to see if Colt McCoy is available to play out the rest of the season.