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Super Bowl Smackdown: Hogan and Flair

Welcome to the inevitable: A Super Bowl halftime for the ages

Ronald Martinez

Wrestling star Hollywood Hulk Hogan has declared his loyalty to the New England Patriots, offering his jacked-up python of an arm to help the Patriots reach the top.

In a counter move, clearly written out by Vince McMahon himself, Ric Flair appeared at the San Francisco 49ers locker room to offer his support.

We know what happens now. The Patriots and the 49ers dismantle their respective conferences. Patriots tight end Matthew Mulligan, who likely sparked Hogan's interest when his wife surprised him with a Hogan Championship belt, will score three touchdowns a game. 49ers defensive players Justin Smith and Aldon Smith, big Flair fans, will sack the opposing quarterback ten times a game. Each.

This will be a clash of the titans. Hogan and Flair. Together again. Roger Goodell knows a good thing when it's sitting in front of him. Sorry Bruno Mars- you've been moved for a half time show that will never, ever, ever be topped.

Luckily for Pulpiteers, SlotMachinePlayer used his connection with Bill to obtain the script for the halftime show. Here's an excerpt below:

Joe Buck (play the monotone role): And for the Super Bowl halftime show, we present...Bruno Mars!

*Lights dim, fireworks go off on center stage, no one shows up*

JB: Apologies, I believe we're having some technical difficulti-

Troy Aikman (cutting JB off): No! Look to the field! Who is that?!

*Real American starts blaring over the sound systems, Hulk Hogan emerges from the Patriots locker room entrance*

HH *putting his hand to his ears*: -nonsensical musings-

JB: Is that who I think it is?

TA: Yes! It's Hollywood Hogan, here to save the halftime show!

HH: Well, well, well. New Jersey, here we are, brotha. You wanted a piece of Hulk Hogan and here I am. If the stage needs to be moved, you have Hulk Hogan's arms. If Bruno Mars' vocal chords aren't working, you have Hulk Hogan's. If you need a half time show, you have Hu-

??: Wooooooo!

*cut to Dawn, playing over anything Hogan is saying. Hogan stares menacingly to the 49ers locker room entrance*

*Ric Flair walks to the stage, arms extended to the crowd, wearing a bedazzled bathrobe, not saying anything. Once he reaches the center stage, he turns his back on Hogan and peacocks for the 49ers fans*

JB: It looks like we might have something on our hands...

TA: Yes, it looks like we have two wrestlers who might want to do some wrestling.

JB: That's right, Troy. Let's go down to Pam Oliver on the field for an update.

PO: Hi Joe, we're hearing from the locker rooms that both teams wanted to play better in the second half. Belichick says the Patriots want to score more points to the other team, while Harbaugh snarled in agreement. They both believe that sending out Hogan and Flair will improve their second half adjustments.

JB: Thanks, Pam.

*Camera to center stage*

HH (glaring at RF): Brotha, I think you're making a mistake. I'm here to make the stage shake, the stadium quake, and keep the crowds awake. You're going to make the babies weep, the stands sleep, and Adele roll in the deep.

RF: Wooooooo!

HH: I'm sorry you feel that way, brotha. I didn't realize how important your family was to you and I never meant any offense.

RF: Wooo!

HH: I understand, brotha, let's hug it out, Jack.

RF: Woooooo!

HH: What're you going to do, now that Hulk Hogan is hugging you?

*Lights fade and Bruno Mars takes the stage to play Grenade with Hogan putting his hand to his ear and Flair waving his arms to the crowd*