clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Your Patriots Draft Pick Cheat Sheet

New, comments

Not sure how you're supposed to feel about the Patriots' draft picks? Too lazy to form an opinion? Here, I've made them for you!

Leon Halip

Coming up with your own opinion on players is extremely difficult. What's not difficult is to take other opinions and make them your own! So to help everyone out, I've created opinions for all of you to use for each draft prospect, based on whether or not you want to like or dislike them.

1. DT DE Dominique Easley

Pro: Hey, Easley is a top 10 talent if he's healthy! No, wait, he's a top 5 talent. Wait, wait, wait. Easley is the best prospect in this draft if he's healthy. The Patriots got a steal and if the Super Bowl champion Seahawks wanted him, you know he's good.

Con: Not the kneeeeeees! THE KNEEEEEEES! Easley fell for a reason and it's because he hasn't played a full season in forever and his knees are made out of playdough, probably. The Patriots couldn't even decide if they wanted to label him a defensive tackle or a defensive end. What's up with that?!

2. QB Jimmy Garoppolo

Pro: He's gorgeous and apparently beating Tom Brady in the "QT-PA2T" department at a 4-to-1 clip. How's that for an heir? He slings the ball quickly and Rich Hill has already been paid off by Bob Kraft to talk about how good of a player Garoppolo is and why it makes sense.

Con: Yeah, so he can sit on the bench behind Tom Brady for four years? Or we can point out all the other talent that the Patriots bypassed so they could draft a back-up quarterback? At least we have another name to add to Bill Belichick's list of questionable second round draft choices.

3. C Bryan Stork

Pro: He was the line-caller for the National Champion Florida State Seminoles. He grows a nasty beard and you can see him fitting right in. He's the biggest center the Patriots have had in a while and he's ready to start week 1. He's the reigning Rimmington Award winner as the nation's best college center.

Con: How is he better than Ryan Wendell? Or Dan Connolly? Or, like, whatever scrub the Patriots manage to pick up in free agency? I know Dante Scarnecchia isn't around anymore, but it's not like Stork was one of the can't-miss prospects at center. What separates him from the rest?

4. RB James White

Pro: He's what Danny Woodhead would be if he had LeSean's McCoy's lateral quickness. Or he's Kevin Faulk, whatever makes you feel more comfortable. He's good enough as a receiver, as a runner, and as a blocker that it's not difficult to picture him in the running back rotation.

Con: But look how small he is. And, like Stork, what makes him different than any of the running backs the team could have drafted in the sixth and seventh rounds? It's like the Patriots were going out of their way to not draft a tight end or a pass rusher.

5. OT Cameron Fleming

Pro: He's brilliant. Like, he's a literal rocket scientist. He's a three year starter at Stanford and helped pave the way for some pretty strong running attacks. Add in that he helped block for Andrew Luck and you have a pretty well rounded tackle who is a quality back-up.

Con: But he was only a right tackle. He wasn't good enough to be a left tackle, so why would he succeed in the NFL? And you always have to ask yourself what Bill Belichick wants with a rocket scientist- you can just imagine that it's probably devious. And probably something to take down the Jets.

6. OG Jon Halapio

Pro: Started 43 games for the Gators and played all of last season with a torn pectoral muscle. Like, 80% of it was torn. He also played through an eye injury that required stitches. ON HIS EYE. I can't imagine pairing up his level of crazy with Logan Mankins' level of crazy. That has to be terrifying for defenses everywhere.

Con: I'm not touching this one. Dude's crazy. Jon, if you read this, you're flawless and a beautiful, beautiful man and I don't want any trouble.

7. DE Zach Moore

Pro: He's pretty big and, uh, Concordia sounds like a nice school? He's a two-time captain that holds a bunch of school records and Google has 174,000 results when you look him up.

Con: Seriously, who is this guy? "Zack More Concord" has 22,300,000 results on Google. The top result is a closed restaurant. I've made my point.

8. DB Jemea Thomas

Pro: He's a versatile player who you can see Belichick like having the secondary. He has some upside, but it's likely that he beats out the back-end of the roster to be a primary special teamer and a top back-up at safety.

Con: Seriously, you still haven't picked a tight end? What's wrong with you? And, like, there's a billion defensive backs already on the roster. What makes this guy a better fit?

9. WR Jeremy Gallon

Pro: Just watch this. He's 5'7 1/2 and he gained 369 yards in this game. Three hundred and sixty nine yards. His three other top games came against Ohio State, Notre Dame, and Northwestern, so you know he elevates himself and and live up to the competition.

Con: Dude, he's 5'7 1/2. Even Danny Woodhead looks down at this guy. Literally.

So there you have it. You're covered no matter how you want to feel about these players.