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Creating Bill Belichick's Perfect Player in a Lab

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Belichick says you can't create a player in a laboratory. Here's who he would create.

In a conference call with the Buffalo Bills media, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick let some insight slip:

Q: Have you ever identified a certain attribute or set of attributes that you target in a player that makes him an ideal fit for your team?

BB: Well, I mean first of all, you can't create a player. You can't go into a lab and create something.

Oh, ho, ho, what have we here, Bill? You think we don't know what Operation Pink Stripes is really about? You expect us to believe that Tom Brady is getting better while he's getting older, or that Rob Gronkowski is actually made of flesh and bone?

How gullible do you think we are?

I took it upon myself to research what Bill Belichick would create if/when the technology becomes available. True praise from Belichick is hard to come by, so these are all very important quotes from the head coach. Here are the key pieces:

Brain: Tom Brady

"Some of the things that he sees, that he can do, are exceptional," Belichick said in 2012. "That gives you the ability as a coach to be more creative. He can recognize things, he can anticipate things, manage the clock, manage personnel, down and distance, formations. There are a lot of moving parts going on at the same time, but he's able to sort them all out, put them together and do the right thing for the team.

"He's a hard guy to coach because he's so well prepared. He's seen all the tape, he's studied the film. You can't B.S. your way through a meeting with Tom Brady, not about football."

Heart: Tedy Bruschi

"We [didn't] really know what to do with him," said Belichick, during Bruschi's retirement speech. "All along the way he heard, 'too small,' 'too slow,' 'too this,' 'too that,' and just kept getting better and better and working harder and outworking and outcompeting pretty much everybody that he faced."

"If you ask me to sum it up- how I feel about Tedy Bruschi in five seconds," Belichick said in closing. "He's the perfect player. He's the perfect player."

Leadership: Jerod Mayo

"I think he's as well respected as any player in the locker room and I'd say one of the best overall team leaders, players and kind of a glue chemistry guy that I've been around," Belichick said during the offseason. "I think he means a lot to our team.

"I'd say he's really the guy that the team probably revolves around more than any other player. Not that there aren't other players that are instrumental in that, but I think he touches pretty much everybody, not just the defensive players but all the guys -- not just the older guys, but the younger guys. Even when he was captain in his second year, he had a relationship with the older guys.

Attitude: Willie McGinest

"Nobody would mess with Willie," Belichick said, via CSNNE. "Nobody. He was the most, I'd say in the time that I've been here, there is maybe one player, I'd put him up there as the guy you just don't want to cross him. If it got to that point, it's better to back off than get into it with him."

Passion: Junior Seau

"The one word I've always used with Junior is 'passion.' Of all the players I've coached, his passion for the game, in every sense of it, was exceptional," Belichick said prior to Seau's induction to the Hall of Fame, via ESPN.

"In the building. In the classroom. On the practice field. Around his teammates. In the games. On the sidelines, whatever it was, that was the one thing about Junior that was always exceptional relative to other players. Forget about ability and all that, but as a playing style, his true passion for the game of football."

Work Ethic: Rodney Harrison

"It is good to have Rodney back [at practice]," Belichick said in 2008. "He brings a level of play and intensity out there to the practice field that is good for everybody. It is good for the defense, offense and for the entire football team. Nobody practices harder than Rodney. I don't think, in my career, I have ever coached a player that practices any harder than Rodney practices on a daily basis."

Versatility: Troy Brown

"Troy Brown is the ultimate team player and one of the greatest competitors I have ever had the privilege of coaching," Belichick said when Brown was inducted to the Patriots Hall of Fame. "Offense, defense, special teams - if there was a job to do, Troy embraced it and did it at a championship level."

Strength: Vince Wilfork

"There may have never been anyone at his position with as much strength, toughness, intelligence, instinctiveness and athleticism," Belichick said in a statement this offseason. "He is the best defensive linemen I ever coached."

Athleticism: Randy Moss

"He's an explosive, dynamic player that's probably the smartest receiver I've ever coached," Patriots coach Bill Belichick said in 2012. "I know he absolutely knows what he's doing, knows what the defense is doing and knows how to attack the defense."

Sense of Humor: Matt Light

Watch this. "That's the way it was with Matt," Belichick said during Light's retirement ceremony. "He had a great sense of when to lighten up and when to tighten up."

Transcript of the key part, from Belichick:

"One of the best [pranks] that he had, I was involved with, it was actually a lot of fun. We were, two years ago [2010], going through the usual grinding part of the season in November, December, and we had a big game with the Jets coming up, and there were usually two or three times during the season where I would go to the team after a win Sunday in the locker room and say 'I'm gonna give you Monday and Tuesday off, but I want you watch a lot of film on our  next opponent. I want you to know them inside and out. I'm gonna have some questions on Wednesday, they're to going to be easy questions. you'd better have really done your homework or it's going to be a really long week around here.'

"So Matt comes in on Tuesday and he's in watching film, walks into my office and says, 'Hey coach, what do you think about...this'll just be a prank, just between me and you, nobody would ever know this, but what do you think about throwing a question out there tomorrow that nobody would know the answer to, but I'll nail it. It'll just send a great message to the team about studying and being prepared, and being ready for this game with the Jets.'

"So I'm like, 'come on...' but he talked me into it so we went with it. So we go into the meeting the next day and say, 'Okay, let's talk about the Jets sub defense, what have we seen them run this year?' And you know Brady's like, '2-4 nickel, 3-3 nickel,' 'Have we seen them in dime?' Hoyer's sayin' 'yeah we've seen them in 3-2 dime, but they don't play it very much.' 'Have we seen them in any other dime package?' 'No, no, no.' 'No other dime package? No other dime package?'

"Light sticks up his hand back there. 'Coach, I thought I saw them in that 1-5 dime one time, I think.' 'Damn it Light, you did. They've been in it one time all year. I don't imagine you remember the game since you probably went through the whole entire film yesterday, all the games they've played this season.'

"'I want to say it was the Houston game, the opener, like right before the half?' 'Okay Light, so you got all the answers, so you know everything, okay.' So we break the meeting up and the offensive linemen walk out of the room and they're like, 'Jesus Light...you're killing us, you're putting us to shame.' And honest to God, to this day, I don't think any of those guys ever knew."

Result: Some third-string special teams gunner from the 1980s Giants, or something like that

Right? Because Belichick's favorite player has to be some scrub who made a nice block on a punt return that one time when the Giants took on the Cowboys.