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The Patriots Cheat at Coin Flips, Too

Those cheating, classless Patriots are at it again!

Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

Just when you think the Patriots have exhausted all possible avenues for cheating, deception, and overall scumbaggery, they once again find a way to outdo themselves.

It would appear that the Patriots have somehow found a way to even cheat the coin toss, as they have been winning at an impossible rate. According to the latest nine month, eleventeen grillion dollar investigation, the Pats have won 19 of the past 25 coin flips. The odds of that happening are 0.0073 - less than three quarters of one percent.

The question, of course, is not if the Patriots are cheating, but how. I mean how can Bill Belichick possibly have figured out a way to manipulate one of the oldest methods of  fairly making a decision known to humanity? What has he done to further taint his already eternally tarnished legacy?

He couldn't have snuck in a two-headed or two-tailed coin; the refs hold onto them, they are provided by the league, and plus the opponents are making the call half the time anyway, rendering such a move highly risky.

He couldn't have bribed the refs; they don't have any control over how a coin lands.

Or do they? Has Belichick been orchestrating a scheme in which the referees, all of whom are clearly on the take anyway since the Patriots get ALL the calls, spend hours upon hours every offseason perfecting a carefully manipulated tossing system that allows them to dictate which side lands face up? If the Patriots call heads, can the refs manipulate it so the coin lands heads? If New England's opponent calls heads, can they make it come up tails? Is that what Pink Stripes is? Some massive coin aerodynamics equation? And is there even a rule against that? If there isn't, I sure hope that nobody in the Colts or Ravens front office reads this article, otherwise we'll be in for some more rule changes in the offseason.

But that's just ridiculous, right? I mean Belichick isn't that good, is he? His evil genius couldn't possibly be so vast as to know the statistics and probabilities behind different refs getting different results and he bases his calls accordingly...could it? Is he that tapped in? More probable than not he's using magnets or something, finding a way to illegally manipulate the coin's trajectory through some combination of ancient metallurgy, Nazi-era science, and Jedi mind tricks.

Or could it be that the Patriots just win, coin tosses or otherwise, for completely legitimate reasons, among those reasons being luck and chance, and sometimes you just have to acknowledge it and get on with your lives and not waste so much time obsessing over New England and putting up an ever-increasing number of "For Sale" signs in the rational parts of your brain to make room for yet a few more square miles of real estate that Bill Belichick and the Patriots will soon be occupying?

No way. They're cheating again. The New Cheatland Cheatriots led by Cheat Belicheat are once again disgracing the integrity of the game by somehow finding a way to win the coin toss more than they are supposed to. I'll look forward to the ensuing investigation and months of nonstop media coverage.