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DeflateGate: A List of Things Faster Than the Wells Investigation

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The investigation is still ongoing. Wake me up when it's over.

David Butler II-USA TODAY Sports

The results of the Wells Report has to come out soon, right? The NFL Draft starts on April 30th, and it seems very unlikely that the league will want the report to hang over the most important day of the off-season.

It has been 86 days since the league began its investigation into the Patriots, Colts, and every other entity involved in the notorious DeflateGate event. Throughout the leaks, we've been able to cut away the speculation and compile everything that's known at this point. It's not much.

The only real announcement related to the footballs in this game was the league firing one of their officials for stealing.

Over the past 86 days, the league has interviewed everyone on the Patriots multiple times, as well as people around the leauge and on other teams. Current scuttlebutt is that the league is more interested in why the football in possession of the Colts was the only ball deflated two PSI below the limit, while all the other footballs were more in line.

Time will reveal truths, or at least more information than is known right now. If I were a betting man, I'd say they would try to release the report this Friday to allow the story to complete its news cycle before the week of the draft- and if it's not out by Friday, then I would not expect it to be announced until after the draft.

86 days is a long time for an investigation, but everyone wants two things: 1) for this all to go away; 2) for the investigation to be as thorough and complete as possible. Unfortunately, these goals are mutually exclusive.

As we wait, here's a list of events that have been completed in faster time than this Wells investigation.

3: The Battle of Thermopylae, or better known in pop culture as the inspiration for 300, was over in three days. While the Spartans get the headlines, there was roughly 3,000 other members of the Greek army in the resistance. Rumor has it that Bylliamus Belichickus was the head coach of the Spartans.

4: Woodstock, the 1969 music festival in upstate New York, lasted four days, from Friday, August 15th, through Monday, August 19th. The concert featured musicians like Santana, Grateful Dead, CCR, The Who, and Jimi Hendrix. Bon Jovi was not invited.

35: Bush v. Gore, it took 35 days after the completion of the 2000 election for an entire investigation, recount, and legal proceeding to determine the President of the United States of America. Thirty-five days.

47: The days needed in 2012 to film the entirety of 12 Years a Slave. The critically acclaimed film was nominated for nine Academy Awards and won Best Picture. It's unknown if former Patriots linebacker Brandon Spikes was available for comment.

72: The length of blissful marriage between Celtics legend Kris Humphries and entrepreneur and business tycoon Kim Kardashian. 72 days. While this wedding was considered a publicity stunt by many, Bill Belichick is believed to have been so upset with the outcome, he was moved to tears.

80: The number of days it takes to go Around the World and encounter wonderful shenanigans. It's a scientific fact. Also, just reading the plot summary, a rich Englishman dismissed his valet because his water was 84 degrees instead of 86 degrees. I'm guessing Phileas Fogg didn't account for gauge pressures.

86: Deflarthyism!

100: The Dolphins Bullying scandal took 100 days for Tedd Wells and company to investigate. This was an important look into the locker room culture and how one player was driven into depression, and also held dictated the public perception of numerous persons involved. Some might consider this, along with the Saints Bounty scandal, as the two most important sports investigations in recent memory since personal health was involved. Or maybe people care more about cameras and air pressure.

106: The Patriots filed tampering charges against the Jets 106 days ago. This investigation (or whatever?) into Jets owner Woody Johnson's comments, a statement that literally mirrors the definition of tampering per the league's rules, is still ongoing.

Do you think this will hit the century mark? What are some other world events that have been completed, start to finish, in faster time than this investigation?