DeflateGate SATIRE: Faux Wells Report Does Or Does Not Implicate Patriots

From the Editor: WE CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT THIS IS SATIRE. BUT PLEASE ENJOY.

We received the following from Jim Pryor, Esq., a football fan from New Jersey. I laughed through the whole thing and thought that you would enjoy this secret preview of the Wells Report that does or does not implicates the Patriots of doing or not doing something with the footballs in the AFC Championship game.

Read the Faux Wells Report here.

Wells Report

Excerpts if you need convincing (I'm forcing you to click the link so you can read the part about Rex Ryan that had me laughing out loud):

Based upon an exhaustive and comprehensive investigation, which has required extraordinary resources and the expenditure of substantial resources, we can state with a reasonable degree of confidence and certainty that it has been determined that the New England Patriots may or may not have altered the game footballs used in the AFC Conference Championship.

Our lip reader was concerned about a conversation Tom Brady had with Julian Edelman in the second quarter. Based upon our expert analysis, he concluded that Brady said to Edelman "Jules, good thing we deflated those balls, don’t you think?" In fairness, it should be noted that the lip reader also thought there was a slim possibility that Brady actually said "Jules, great catch buddy," but we have discounted the latter possibility because that seems to be a highly unlikely phrase to be used in an actual football game.

Fingerprint evidence is widely accepted in courts and other judicial venues throughout the world, so we determined to conduct a thorough fingerprint examination of the footballs in question. It should be noted in this regard that the footballs used by the Patriots had the Patriots team players’ fingerprints literally all over the footballs. This appears to be fairly demonstrative evidence in support of the allegations against the Patriots. In other words, if the Patriots did not intentionally deflate the footballs, then why are there fingerprints of the Patriots on the footballs?

I read legal documents by day and this was an absolute breath of fresh air. Please go read the whole thing. It's amazing.