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A Rule Has Definitely Been Broken! Something Must Be Done!

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The Wells report reveals a a centuries old rule has been broken. What should be done about it?

Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

The Wells report brought up a very important and damning piece of evidence.  Jim McNally, the official's locker room attendant, apparently called himself "Deflator" in a single text message.  Ted Wells further goes on to call this reference "a nickname".  We know how air-tight and bullet-proof  this report is, so we must assume more likely than not that McNally intended that Deflator become his new nickname.  This is an incredibly serious charge!

In fact, the use of nicknames is centuries old and includes such notables as Alexander the Great, Richard the Lionhearted, Jack the Ripper, and The Rock.  The rules governing nicknames far predate any NFL rules, and infractions of nickname rules affect all of humanity, not just those who watch football.  McNally doesn't just break one nickname rule.  No that might be forgiven over time if he showed an act of contrition.  McNally, In fact broke FOUR separate nickname rules!  Thankfully, the Wells report brings this dark stain to light.

The Rules:

  • Thou shalt not have a nickname through a single use of said name.

While the Wells report repeats the single text roughly 1.21 billion times.  There is only one text, months old, that includes this moniker and it is from McNally himself.  While it is obvious that the name didn't catch on, if McNally was intent on this being his nickname, he should have kept trying,  "Deflator deflates because that's what deflators do".  No one earns a nickname through a single use.  It is simply NOT DONE, and because of his arrogance, McNally must pay.

  • Thou shalt not give thyself a nickname.
This is perhaps the greatest of the rules.  You have to earn your nickname, and your nickname must be placed upon your head like a laurel at the ancient Olympics.  Nobody is allowed to give themselves a nickname.   A nickname isn't how you want the world to see you.  That's advertising.  That's branding.  A nickname is how the world actually sees you.  It's like an unbiased report.  You can't cheat the system.  It's lame, and for even trying this McNally must be punished.
  • Thou shalt not steal another's nickname.
This is especially true if someone far more famous or good looking has the nickname.  In high school there was this girl we called the Deflator.  One look at the fuzzy contour of her sweater, one whiff of her sweet perfume, or one glance from her gorgeous eye was all it took to get your, um, hopes up.  We'd approach with hopes firmly held high, and one by one she'd turn us down and deflate all of our hopes well below 12.5 psi.  The fact that McNally took it upon himself to steal such a well earned and well placed nickname shows there is no depths to which he will not stoop.  For the honor of the Deflator, I have my hopes up that he will be punished.
  • Thou shalt not have more than one nickname within the same social group.
Let me point out that it is fine that your wife calls you "Pookey-Bear", your poker club calls you "The Tell", and the guys from high school call you "Stinky".  Those are well earned monikers in various fields of human endeavor.  The problem is having TWO or more nicknames within the same group.  If your poker club calls you both "The Tell" and "Stinky", then the entire group is dysfunctional and MUST be disbanded.  The use of force has already been authorized.

As Tedy Bruschi and others have pointed out, Jim McNally ALREADY has the nickname "Bird" at Gillette stadium.  In fact, the players know him by only that nickname.  McNally already has a well-earned, well-used, and well-placed nickname in Bird, yet he also needs to steal the Deflator from that lovely creature who now lives only in my memory?  I'm shocked!  Is too much not enough for some people?  With nicknames declining year by year as all of the great ones are already taken, there's no room for people to hoard nicknames.  His excess requires an excessive punishment.

It is clear that he must be punished by no longer allowing him to watch Patriots football games.  In fact, he should be forced to watch every other game throughout the season.  The worse the team, the greater the punishment.  Eventually, he will no longer know what real football is supposed to look like.  Much like Roger Goodell and the fans of 31 other franchises who have chosen to stop by recently because they saw the buzzards circling.

Also since Ted Wells ignored the nickname rules in declaring the Deflator a nickname, and Ted Wells is infallible, everyone is entitled to add their one time use nickname in the comments.  Sure, steal someone else's if you like.  The rules have been broken.  Ted Wells saw to that.