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Patriots Quarterback Controversy: Jimmy Garoppolo Slams Tom Brady's Diet Habits

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**SATIRE** There seems to be a storm brewing in New England!

Watch your back, Brady.
Watch your back, Brady.
Mark J. Rebilas-USA TODAY Sports

It has been a reasonably quiet off-season, but a recent turn of events reveals this has just been the calm before the storm. While All Pro Socratic Corrupter-Of-The-Youth Tom Brady could be on the sidelines for the first few weeks of the season, the support from the team is far from complete. It seems as if all is not well inside the New England Patriots locker room as one player in particular is willing to resort to hemlock to take Brady's job.

Sophomore quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo has a known history of despising Brady, whether it was from his college days of non-stop watching Brady's game tape to learn his weaknesses, or Brady not celebrating with Jimmy at the end of the Chiefs game, or Jimmy's lonely wanderings after Malcolm Butler's interception in the Super Bowl. Whatever the case, Garoppolo has his eyes on Brady and now he has his chance to blind the competition.

Garoppolo will already be splitting time with Brady this off-season as they both prepare for Week 1's starting role, and Prince Ali has taken time away from stealing Sepp Blatter's job to commit to stealing Brady's. Jimmy was all too quick to admit that he's been spending extra time in the weight room to try and separate himself from Brady on an athletic level.

If that wasn't enough, Garoppolo is taking to the media to launch salvos against Brady's workout habits, and left a thinly veiled parting shot when discussing his sacrifices in the kitchen.

"Ice cream," Garoppolo sneered, probably. "It's my weakness."

It's no secret that Brady has claimed that avocado ice cream is the only reason he's still able to compete in today's NFL. Without that ice cream, Brady would likely turn into a decrepit 38-year-old male unable to throw a football, or be injured at the very thought of taking the field, or become Matt Schaub.

The Italian Stallion, or now Italian Ice, or Price Ali, or Slippin' Jimmy is coming after the old dog that's just trying to learn a new trick. He wants to be the Tom Brady to Brady's Drew Bledsoe.

We just have to hope that such obvious attempts of manipulating the media won't tear this team apart, because if they won't let it, then I will.