DeflateGate: What Roger Goodell Should Say

New York, NY- [Roger Goodell approaches the podium]

Hi everyone, glad you all could make it. We're here today to discuss an event that was blown way out of proportion, and we're going to discuss the processes that are going to be improved moving forward.

First, I've come to a decision with regards to Tom Brady's appeal over his role in the questioned ball pressure of footballs during the AFC Championship game. I have come to determine that through extensive research and analysis, it is inconclusive whether or not the footballs were tampered with, and as a result we cannot levy a penalty. There were issues with the procedures of football preparation and security, as well as measurements, that led to a report that raised additional questions.

For now, we are lifting any and all suspension and penalties for Tom Brady with regards to the deflation of footballs. We will still be penalizing him $50,000 for his lack of cooperation during our investigation. We will also be penalizing kicker Stephen Gostkowski $50,000 for his lack of cooperation (because kickers are people, too).

In addition, we will be lifting the penalties levied against the New England Patriots- the 1st round pick and $1 million- due to the inconclusive nature of the report.

With that said, we will be paying additional focus to the footballs this upcoming season. We will be measuring footballs and their pressure prior, during, and after games this season. We will improve how the footballs are monitored to ensure that any potential tampering cannot occur.

If, over the course of the upcoming season, we find that results of the pressure measurements lead to implications that the Patriots footballs acted outside of the realm of reason, we will revisit potential penalties for New England. As of right now, there is not enough information to justify the current penalties in place.

In conclusion, penalties will be lifted until further information can be gathered over the course of the upcoming season. Tom will be fined $50,000 for lack of cooperation. We will revisit this issue next offseason and come to our final conclusion during next summer's All Star break. Let's milk this cash cow for another year.

Thank you.

[Goodell flies away from the podium with a jetpack fueled by burning money]