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I don't know if I could be like Patriots QB Tom Brady

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Have any of you ever had a maple sugar powdered donut at 10:00 pm that prevented you from getting a good night of sleep? And have you ever had to wake up and down a couple pots of coffee just to feel like a normal person, instead of a zombie from The Walking Dead?

Just asking for a friend. It definitely wasn't me.

But on a completely unrelated note, I don't think I could be New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Part of the charm with Brady and his career arc is how he rose from relative obscurity to become the greatest quarterback of all time; his career makes anything seem obtainable with a lot of hard work.

It's taken me a couple of years, but I don't think I have what it takes.

I could go to the gym and pick up weights and wear Uggs and do the standard Tom Brady thing if you gave me millions of dollars a year. I could study film and eventually learn to read a defense as well as some of the scrubs in the league like Curtis Painter, Peyton Manning, or Ryan Lindley.

But I draw the line at the absolute torture that Brady subjects himself to on a daily basis.

[Tom] doesn't eat nightshades, because they're not anti-inflammatory. So no tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, or eggplants. Tomatoes trickle in every now and then, but just maybe once a month. I'm very cautious about tomatoes. They cause inflammation.

What else? No coffee. No caffeine. No fungus. No dairy.

The kids eat fruit. Tom, not so much. He will eat bananas in a smoothie. But otherwise, he prefers not to eat fruits.

What the heck is that? That eliminates pretty much every type of good food in the world, like burritos, and pizza, and eggplant parmesan. And what is this whole no coffee thing? No milk? NO FRUIT?!

What does this leave Brady? Is he just eating brown rice, chicken, and broccoli every day, with his avocado ice cream dessert?

I've just did this quinoa dish with wilted greens. I use kale or Swiss chard or beet greens. I add garlic, toasted in coconut oil. And then some toasted almonds, or this cashew sauce with lime curry, lemongrass, and a little bit of ginger. That's just comfort food for them.

This isn't even food; these are just words. Brady is actually eating grass and nuts and calling it "comfort food."

I'm drawing the line here for the American dream. Not everyone can grow up to be like Tom Brady and I guess Chicken Parm You Taste So Good is the difference between the regular season and the postseason.

I don't want to live a life without tomato sauce.