Ever wonder what goes into Roger Goodell's thought process when doling out punishments? Have you ever scratched your head and thought, "what the hell is that moron doing?" after reading about his latest round of player discipline? Would you like some insight into the seemingly random and completely nonsensical criteria that The Ginger Hammer uses when he overextends his authority? Well wonder no more, as the folks at Deadspin have come up with a remarkably accurate Punishment Generator that takes a rational, cool-headed approach to upholding the integrity of the league and hands out discipline based on the crucial questions that really matter most to all of us. Questions such as:
- Is there video?
- Did you smoke weed?
- Did you make Roger Goodell look bad?
- Is the media mad?
- Did you cry at your apology press conference?
It's things like this that Goodell really looks long and hard at when he hands down these completely random punishments, and now you have your very own chance to step into the commissioner's shoes and see just how tough his job is. A few passes through the Punishment Generator, and maybe you won't be so quick to criticize everyone's favorite buffoon.
A few hypothetical punishments I received:
- Two games for setting fire to an orphanage
- Eight games for clogging the toilet
- Four games for peeling the label off my beer bottle
- Nine games for intercepting Peyton Manning
- Three games for kicking a cat
Seems pretty accurate, if you ask me.
Put a few scenarios in the generator here, and feel free to share your punishment in the comments below. Integrity!