The Patriots Can’t Win Super Bowl LII, Regardless of the Final Score

I have absolutely no idea who is going to win the Super Bowl - nobody does. But there’s one prediction I can make that I’m pretty confident with:

No matter who hoists the Lombardi Trophy tomorrow night, the Patriots can’t win.

This has been the quietest Super Bowl week I can remember, regardless of who is playing. The only things I can remember from the past few days are a slew of “David v. Goliath” articles, Tom vs. Time debates, fabricated discussions that tried to spin Rob Gronkowki’s status as anything but a surefire go...and that’s about it. The excitement, the hype, the pageantry, the anticipation, and all the other cool stuff that usually goes into the days leading up to the Super Bowl - none of that really seems to be present this year. Maybe it’s because I’m in NYC and this matchup is New York’s equivalent of the Jets vs. Colts AFC Championship Game in 2009, but it seems to me that this Super Bowl is kind of a snoozer.

And because of that, and perhaps because the world is just sick and tired of seeing New England representing the AFC, it would appear that tomorrow night’s game will end one of two ways, and no matter what actually happens on the field, the narrative has already been written before the Pats and Eagles even get on the bus to go to the stadium.

If the Patriots win...well, of course they did. They’re the Patriots. It’s Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. They win it all the time, and the Eagles are playing with their backup. They’re expected to win this one. Should anybody be impressed by any of this? Congrats on doing what you’re expected to do, I guess. Here’s your C for the year, wake me up when Brady retires.

If the Patriots lose...they got upset by Nick Foles.

The 2017 Eagles are a wonderful story. They are an incredibly skilled group that has banded together and will take on all comers. They have talent at every level and deserve to be in this game. They lost their MVP-caliber quarterback, but their backup has stepped in and performed admirably. An Eagles victory tomorrow will be the epitome of a team win, a team that embraced the underdog role and wouldn’t be denied. That’s a storyline that anybody can appreciate.

But Tom Brady lost to Nick Foles. Who will focus on anything else?

So those are our options. Patriots win again - meh, big deal - or the Patriots get upset and “Tom Brady lost to Nick Foles” gets center stage for the rest of time. Foles and Eli Manning, arm in arm, on every message board that will ever exist. We’ll either log onto our computers on Monday morning to a bunch of boring puff pieces or a bathtub so full of Patriots tears they may have to bring in extra support from Canada. You all know it’s coming, and there isn’t much you can do about it.

Which is why I’m encouraging Patriots fans everywhere to do everything in your power to block out the negativity, the ridiculous storylines, the ennui, and anything that isn’t pure, unadulterated joy and excitement for tomorrow’s game. Our team is playing in the Super Bowl! They’re on the verge of going back-to-back for the second time! They have five Lombardi trophies! Everything else is just gravy at this point, and if I ever take one second of this run for granted, somebody slap me. I hope you’re all able to do the same.

Because here’s some truth for you- the Patriots might be back in the Super Bowl again. They might not. I may be prepping for Tommy B’s ninth appearance this time next year. Tomorrow may very well be the last time I ever get to see this team play in the biggest game on the planet for the rest of my life. Who knows what the future will bring. Your team in a Super Bowl is an amazing gift, whether it’s the first time or the 20th. As the kids say these days, I’m staying very woke to that reality. And I can’t wait to celebrate it with all of you here at Pats Pulpit.

Life is too short not to enjoy these moments. So here’s your friendly reminder from this site’s biggest degenerate that we’re close to the end of something incredibly special, and nothing can take that away from us. I say this because people will try - sweet sweet Tebow will they try - but trust me when I say a time is coming when we’re going to look back on these past years very fondly, regardless of what may or may not happen tomorrow night.

You know what? I was wrong.

The Patriots have already won.