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I’m now convinced all of our readers are Bill Belichick on burner accounts

I see you, Bill.

New England Patriots v Arizona Cardinals Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick likes to act like he’s unfamiliar with technology. He claims he doesn’t use InstaFace or TweetBook or SnapGram or Car Clocks, but recent news reports have me questioning all that I know about team leadership.

On Tuesday, The Ringer released an incredible report on how Philadelphia 76ers general manager Bryan Colangelo owns multiple Twitter accounts, on which he would bash his players, divulge insider information, and defend his egregious use of enormous collars on his shirts.

Colangelo claims that only one of the five discovered Twitter accounts were his own, but all signs point towards the GM being up to his neck in trouble.

And with that in mind, I regret to inform everyone at Pats Pulpit that you are no longer trustworthy. I no longer know if I’m writing for a local Patriots fan, or if Bill Belichick himself is lurking in the comments section, or if Nick Caserio is listening to the podcast, or if Bernd is actually Ernie Adams himself.

That’s just the way it is.

I’ve always been skeptical of JamesDevlin in the comments section. I mean, the username was a dead giveaway, so I always knew that it was actually Brandon Bolden. But maybe you’re actually Bill.

And then Marima has been a machine with the links for the past decade, providing consistency most similar to Tom Brady. Is it a coincidence that she started writing in 2008 when Brady was sidelined? But maybe you’re actually Bill, too.

And Alec Shane has always had the physique and lifestyle of Rob Gronkowski and I’ve never seen the two in the same room at the same time. So I just assumed everyone else knew that Alec was Gronk. But now I know you’re Belichick.

I should have realized that you were an avid reader when you listened to our advice and let Marquis Flowers play more snaps, or kept Marcus Cannon at right tackle, or traded down the draft board. I also knew you intentionally ignored our advice on how to better use Mike Gillislee and Brandin Cooks and Jonathan Freeny, as a friendly wink to our readers. Some might say confirmation bias is powerful, but Bill and I are friends and he’s been reading my stuff for years, so I definitely know best.

I’m on to you, Bill. You might not use SnapFace, but you never said you didn’t read the Pulpit.