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Let’s talk about these Patriots Madden ratings

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Surely we’ll agree with all of these.

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NFL: Super Bowl LII-Philadelphia Eagles vs New England Patriots Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sports

MADDEN SEASON IS THE REASON MY HANDS TOUCHED YOUR FACE!

That kid that just got the receiving end of Kevin Hart’s best Rick James “cooold blooooooooded” probably should grab some burgers to the tune of 10,000 calories per day, hit the gym, pack on the pounds, and go for an offensive lineman scholarship somewhere. Exceptional body control and discipline to not just immediately clock Kevin right in the face, or at least push him down the stairs. That dude’s never jumping offsides on a fake snap count or some OMAHA thing.

Anyways, fellow nerds, the complete Madden ‘19 player ratings were released earlier this week, and if you looked at the team ratings last month where only the Eagles were rated a 90 overall and everyone else checked in at 84 (New England) or below (everyone else) and wondered if an intern fell asleep on the keyboard, you weren’t the only one. Now that the full player ratings are out, let’s take a look at how the only team we all set as our default squad on release day turned out.

And hey, we’ve got time, so let’s run down the Patriots lineup all the way from the 99-seems-low Tom Brady and 99-overall Rob Gronkowski all the way down to the “D+ isn’t a grade they like to give out” rated players like...you know what, let’s take a chill break on the Jordan Richards jokes for a bit. The man has suffered enough already.

The 90s

Tom Brady (QB) - 99 overall

Still slower than all of his offensive linemen at 61 overall speed, but in a nod to Brady putting on a clinic despite getting the quinoa knocked out of him last year, Brady’s throwing stats are basically the same as last year’s game when he reigned as Super Bowl MVP. Check this out:

Madden ‘18: 99 Short Accuracy, 98 Medium Accuracy, 87 Deep Accuracy

Madden ‘19: 99 Short Accuracy, 97 Medium Accuracy, 86 Deep Accuracy

Also, Brady has a higher catch rating than Nick Foles!

Rob Gronkowski (TE) - 99 overall

Sean Davis tested, Sean Davis approved.

NFL: New England Patriots at Pittsburgh Steelers Philip G. Pavely-USA TODAY Sports

Devin McCourty (FS) - 92 overall

Checking in at 85 in man coverage and 87 in zone coverage, run whatever defense you want and let D-Mac do...basically exactly what he does in real life, which is whatever New England needs him to be.

The 80’s

Julian Edelman (WR) - 88 overall

85 speed, but a 91 juke rating seems a lot more Squirrel-like.

Stephon Gilmore (CB) - 87 overall

Jason McCourty (CB) - 87 overall

Guess who else is an 87? Malcolm Butler.

Trey Flowers (RE) - 86 overall

They must be reading the Pats Pulpit film breakdowns. You’re welcome.

Danny Shelton (DT) - 85 overall

David Andrews (C) - 84 overall

Adrian Clayborn (LE) - 84 overall

If that 88 Power Moves on Clayborn is accurate, he might even be able to sack someone besides Dak Prescott!

Dont’a Hightower (LOLB) - 84 overall

Bit low for High coming off the injury, and STILL a 94 at tackling.

Patrick Chung (SS) - 83 overall

Hightower’s Hit Power is rated 90. Chung’s is an 84. Do with that what you will.

(And by that I mean a cover-1 safety blitz)

Stephen Gostkowski (K) - 83 overall

Chris Hogan (WR) - 83 overall

Shaq Mason (RG) - 83 overall

Mason’s Pro Football Focus grade for 2017? 83.0

James White (HB) - 83 overall

Trent Brown (RT) - 82 overall

Malcolm Brown (DT) - 82 overall

Marcus Cannon (RT) - 82 overall

San Fran burnout Trent Brown and 2016 second-team All-Pro Marcus Cannon are rated the same? Seems rude.

Dwayne Allen (TE) - 81 overall

And with an 84 Catch rating, natch! Ol’ Dwayne’s been holding out on us!

Ryan Allen (P) - 80 overall

Duron Harmon (FS) - 80 overall

Not too far behind McCourty and Chung in man or zone, but the worst tackler out of the trio.

The 70s

Joe Thuney (LG) - 79 overall

Rex Burkhead (HB) - 79 overall

84 speed is awfully low for a running back, especially with Mike Gillislee coming in at 88. Right?

Lawrence Guy (DT) - 78 overall

Mike Gillislee (HB) - 77 overall

Jordan Matthews (WR) - 77 overall

Not sure whether his 83 catching and his 82 catch in traffic is a backhanded compliment or not...throw it to Matthews when he’s open, or when he’s not open, it’s whichever. Or something.

Sony Michel (HB) - 77 overall

Will Tye (TE) - 77 overall

Isaiah Wynn (LT) - 77 overall

Before everybody FREAKS OUT about Michel and Wynn, any rookie in Madden that’s not Top 10 tends to get the shaft until they start tweaking the game throughout the season. Michel’s still the fastest back on the team at 90 speed. And Wynn’s run-blocking smokes Trent Brown, so there’s that.

James Develin (FB) - 76 overall

NOTE: While it is impossible to measure GRIT, Develin has a higher Strength rating than Shaq Mason, Rob Gronkowski, Malcom Brown, Adrian Clayborn, Dont’a Hightower, Trey Flowers, Joe Thuney, Isaiah Wynn, and David Andrews, so, close enough.

Jeremy Hill (RB) - 76 overall

Jonathan Jones (CB) - 76 overall

Tied for fastest man on the team with two other players at 95 speed. Phillip Dorsett is one. The other one will make you draft dorks smile.

Kyle Van Noy - (ROLB) - 76 overall

Cordarrelle Patterson (WR) - 75 overall

Phillip Dorsett (WR) - 76 overall

Member #2 of the 95-speed club. And as Tom Brady would probably agree with, all three route-running categories are in the 70s, and with a 60s Release stat, it’s not a matter of the old “Does he have Tom Brady’s TRUST???”, it’s more a matter of “Is he actually any good at football? Eh, maybe?”

Malcolm Mitchell (WR) - 75 overall

Cody Bojorquez (P) - 74 overall

Bill Belichick approves.

Marquis Flowers (ROLB) - 74 overall

Deatrich Wise (RE) - 74 overall

Just as many pressures in 2017 as Myles Garrett, and this is the thanks Wise gets.

Eric Rowe (CB) - 74 overall

Kenny Britt (WR) - 73 overall

Adam Butler (DT) - 73 overall

Elandon Roberts (MLB) - 73 overall

Duke Dawson Jr (CB) - 72 overall

Duke’s a 79 in Man Coverage and a 74 in Zone Coverage, which is better in both regards than...

Cyrus Jones (CB) - 71 overall

I’m still on the Cyrus Jones Could Improve in 2018 bandwagon. If anyone else shows up, we’ll get some pizza and/or go on a beer run.

Oh, and about that third guy with 95 speed we teased earlier...

Keion Crossen (CB) - 69 overall

Nice.