As much as I would love to sit here in front of my laptop for the next three hours and give you my in-depth thoughts on every single Week 2 NFL game, my girlfriend and I are visiting friends for a wedding this week (she’s the maid of honor and is very excited about it … I know that because I’ve been hearing about it on a never-ending loop for about two years now, ever since our friends became engaged), so I’m on a massive time crunch.
With all of the wedding activities going on this week, plus celebrating the birthday of one of our friends getting married, plus visiting with other family and friends, going out to dinners and all the other things, I’m considering it a minor miracle that I’ve managed to find 30 minutes to get this week’s picks out in the open.
Due to the time crunch, we’re keeping the Week 2 picks short and sweet. We’ll call them the speed picks. You’ll be in and out of here in five minutes tops…
(Home teams are in caps, and lines are courtesy of OddsShark.com)
Panthers (+6) over FALCONS
Atlanta can’t come through in the red zone, even though they have one of the best receivers in the league in Julio Jones. Are they an overrated team? Probably a little bit. Let’s just forget about the fact that I was hyping up their offense just a few short weeks ago … that never happened.
Browns (+9) over SAINTS
I’m picking the Browns. Somebody hire me a psychiatrist, please.
Texans (-1) over TITANS
It doesn’t matter that Deshaun Watson and DeAndre Hopkins were pretty bad against the Patriots last week. They aren’t going to be that bad all season.
Colts (+5.5) over REDSKINS
Andrew Luck had a week to get reintroduced to the NFL. Now he has to get back to playing like he was selected No. 1 overall in the 2012 draft.
Chiefs (+4) over STEELERS
Did you see the way the Chiefs throttled the Chargers last week? Also, did you see the way the Steelers battled the Browns … to a tie? Yeah, exactly.
Chargers (-7) over BILLS
Don’t even get me started on this Bills team. After Nathan Peterman completely sucked last week, they are now opting to start their incredibly raw rookie quarterback, Josh Allen, against the Chargers this week, then most likely again against the Vikings next week, then against the Packers the week after that. Allen could not be getting a more brutal start to his career. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Buffalo has no chance at competing this year regardless of who they start at QB. I don’t understand why they don’t continue to preserve Allen by sending the god awful Peterman out there to take those beatings instead.
JETS (-3) over Dolphins
Here’s a scary thought: after the Jets steamrolled Matt Patricia’s Lions 48-17 on Monday, we might have to deal with the possibility that they might actually be good. Uh oh.
Vikings (+1.5) over PACKERS
Aaron Rodgers isn’t 100 percent. And if he doesn’t play, Green Bay is doomed.
Eagles (-3) over BUCCANEERS
The Buccaneers shocked the world by knocking off the Saints 48-40 in New Orleans last week, but we can’t get sucked. We can’t get sucked in.
We CAN’T get sucked in.
RAMS (-13) over Cardinals
This spread is insanely huge, and yet Sean McVay’s team is so awesome that I’m still picking them.
49ERS (-6.5) over Lions
I haven’t decided yet, but after seeing how clueless Matt Patricia looked on Monday, and after seeing that Detroit defense crap the bed against a rookie quarterback making his NFL debut in primetime on the road, and after seeing Matt Stafford throw something like 174 interceptions, I might pick against the Lions for 16 straight games this season. We’ll see how things go.
JAGUARS (+1) over Patriots
The Patriots always seem to get their butts kicked at some point in the first four games of every season. Of their first four games in 2018, this game seems the most likely to be that game. Plus, there is also the revenge factor for Jacksonville after last year’s AFC title game.
Raiders (+6) over BRONCOS
This game will tell us for sure just how much Jon Gruden has messed up the Raiders. If they can’t beat the Broncos, they don’t have a chance.
COWBOYS (-3) over Giants
The same theory applies to the Cowboys in this game too.
BEARS (-3) over Seahawks
Have Bears fans recovered from last week’s Sunday night punch in the face at Lambeau Field? I couldn’t blame them if they haven’t. This week’s game at home against Seattle is the ultimate rebound game. Best of luck, Chicago fans.
Alright, time to go to a wedding. See you all next week!
Last week: 11-4-1
This week: 0-1