Old dude in Game of Thrones: And what do we say to the god of death?
Arya Stark; NOT TODAY
Football Gods: LOL watch this
And really, this email from Richard, a reader whose story is painfully featured below, says it all when it comes to getting kicked in the nuts in fantasy football, which for most of us is a yearly, if not weekly, occurrence:
It’s like we’re the world’s most depressing Eskimo Brothers
Go Pats, indeed. It’s a hell of a consolation prize when you can get boned by the fantasy gods on a weekly basis and then sit back with a victory cocktail like...well, the New England Patriots ARE off to their worst season since the 2009 season, and they’ve already locked up a playoff spot by Christmas Eve.
In the meantime, nobody else may care about your fantasy team, but here at the Pulpit,
WE CARE. WE CARE A LOT.
WE GIVE LOTS OF.....nevermind.
And as such, we wanted to put a bow on this year’s fantasy football season by giving you guys a well-deserved chance to blow off some steam. Those people complaining because they drafted Le’Veon Bell this year? What do they know about pain?? What do they know about playing this game, year after year, making trades and playing the waiver wire like Jimmy Paige shredding the solo to Black Dog, only to see your season go down in flames when....well, seriously, pick any of the tales of dread and terror below, and fill in the blank.
Originally, my plan was to organize the stories of miraculous last-minute victories and Monday Night Football comebacks and soul-crushing, Helmet-Catch-level agonizing defeats into separate sections, but you know what, screw it. This is going to be like that big bowl of Jelly Bellies at your grandma’s house. You reach in and grab a handful watching the game, and they might all be delicious! You also might get fruit punch, root beer, buttered popcorn, and lemon-lime all in the same mouthful. Let’s roll with that. The good, the bad, and the fugly, as it were.
And to be honest, you may feel a little better after reading some of these that are the real-life, smash-your-phone-at-the-bar version of the Star Wars scene when this famous exchange happens:
Princess Leia: It could be worse
*ominous monster roaring*
Han Solo: IT’S WORSE
In the words of our fearless leader Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr, LET’S GOOOOOOO!!!!
When possible, I have preserved the original spelling and grammar errors to let the pure, Irish-Carbomb-grade unfiltered rage flow on to the page in it’s god-given form.
If you commented on our article last week, you’re credited below by your Pats Pulpit username. If you emailed or DM’ed me, you’re listed by first name only to protect the innocent.
From the Pats Pulpit Staff:
Pat Lane (@plane_pats):
I lost in the playoffs 5 years ago because I didn’t start Ace Sanders. Sanders had a better game than the guy I started, and I lost by 2. Sanders was then arrested in the offseason as suspended indefinitely, never playing in the NFL again. Because I assume you don’t know, Sanders was a WR for the Jaguars
Ryan Keiran (Ryan_Keiran):
Not fantasy related but I lost out on $500 earlier this year because on the last 2 legs of my 6 leg parlay I had the under in bears/cardinals but bears covering. I needed a pick6 thrown by Rosen for it to happen.
Eddie Jackson (I think) breaks on the slant route, picks it off, no one is anywhere close to him and he essentially walks in from 25 yards out.
Khalil Mack was called offsides by about an inch and a half and it got called back
It was actually a flat/out, not a slant. But still
Not a single incident, but a result. Played in 2007, had Brady, Moss, Welker, Ghost, and an upside rookie RB named Adrian Peterson - only lost the Pats bye week, and won the Championship. Retired for 10 years.
Played in a 2017 work league, had Brady, Gronk, Ghost, an an upside rookie RB named Leonard Fournette. Won the Championship.
Played in 2018, couldn’t get Brady, had Gronk, Ghost, and an upside rookie RB named Sony Michel. Missed the playoffs.
Moral of the story: Brady wins Championships.
^Tattoo that across my chest like Travis Barker.
2009: Getting “Dungy-ed” in Week 16, when he benched the starters mid-game vs. the Jets
The next year our league moved it’s playoffs up one week after that debacle.
I lost a 2015 Super Bowl to a team with Blake Freaking Bortles as it’s starting quarterback. There is nothing more humiliating.
You say that now...
Chris Blackey (Chris_Blackey):
The drastic thing that happened to me was Forte blew his knee out first week of the playoffs. The whole thing cost me 100 dollars after going undefeated all year.
AND NOW, THE PULPIT READERS
2018: I was 12-0 in my league and Kareem Hunt got cut week 13. Then people in my league picked up his back ups while I was at work so I never got to replace him. Plus Brees got slowed down so him and Thomas didn’t get any points. Lost in the first round…
2017: I was 9-4 top of the league, week 13 (again) Gronkowski elbow drops bills cb tre’ white and gets suspended and zack ertz got a concussion for week 14…when I had to play against Todd gurley who of course was scoring 40 a game that December. Lost in the 1st round again.
2015: I didn’t have a qb so I missed the playoffs by a game but I coached my friend, who had the same record as me and who I beat by 70 2 weeks prior when he was mouthing off to me, to a championship win.
2014: I was 10-4 in the championship round playing against a cheating commissioner who had all his trash record friends give him all their good players so he had a super team. I lost because Indy went to Dallas week 16 and Andrew Luck laid a big fat 0 which made the difference.
God I hate fantasy...
Not a crazy story, but a funny one. I was in a 12 man league this year with a bunch of friends. I recommended for one of them to draft Chris Hogan, because I thought he was gonna be a huge weapon, especially while Edelman was suspended. He drafted him in the 7th round as one of his starting WRs.
He is still upset with me over it to this day. I won in that league, so I couldn’t care less lol
The Wolverine’s Name is Biff:
Joey Chestnut ruined me. Despite my MLE fandom, Joey killed me this year. I hold him 2nd to only TFB in my bromance hierarchy.I bet Joey wouldn’t eat over 73 hot dogs this past July. #1, he’s older…Joe vs. Time is an excellent watch. #2, 70 seemed to be the resistance line; flirted with 70 a few years, massive upset by Stonie, a comeback year, then the record 72 year in ‘17. Not much pushing him this year in my mind. Hence 73 was the obvious bet.I took 73 or under. A very reasonable call it seemed. I thought for sure I had pulled off a massive amway. I bet with my wife. If I won, I’d not get any crap about fantasy in all areas: wasted time, depression, failing to shower, awesome fantasy story telling like this, etc. Thus all Joey had to do was eat 73 or less dogs. He ate 74. Even worse, there was a bit of scuttlebutt about some half-dogs here & there.Alas, I wasn’t allowed to play this year. But yet I somehow ended up with an epic, awesome fantasy story.
All right, all right, when someone runs with a dad joke for that long, you have to respect it.
I don’t play fantasy football, so instead my craziest “real” football story.
We were leading late. Coach miscalculated time remaining and had us kneel down. On 4th down he suddenly realised we were going to give the opposition 6-7 seconds so decided to punt. If we’d simply run 34 blast three times in a row we’d have taken those 6-7 seconds off the clock.
Yes, they returned the punt for a touchdown.
When Friday Night Lights goes wrong...
Lost because of the comeback against the 49ers in 2012.
I was up big in the semifinals. I had Ridley and my opponent had Brady and Hernandez. Pats were getting crushed 31-3 in the first half. It killed me as a fan but was happy to go to the fantasy finals. Brady lead the Pats comeback to tie it at 31 and I was all in on the Pats victory. They ultimately lost and I lost the fantasy game. Heartbreaking because I would have won in the fantasy finals the next week.
Brady threw for 443 yards and 3 TDs, Hernandez 10 catches (HPPR), 92 yards, and 1 TD, and Ridley 23 yards and a fumble.
A two play sequence really killed me. The last play of the 3rd quarter Ridley (last carry of the game and only had two carries in the 2nd half) from the 1 yard line gets stuffed. Next play Brady sneaks it for the TD. Amazing. Crushing. Had Ridley scored the game most likely would have played out the same, but I would have had the fantasy championship…
I just completely forgot the fantasy draft in one of my leagues. My autodraft gave me Pat Mahomes, Tom Brady, OBJ, Kamara etc.I qualified for the playoffs. In the other league, where I myself drafted my team, I came in dead last. Very embarassing.
Hey, like my first boss out of college used to say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Week 11, 2017 season. Falcons @ Seahawks, Monday night game (AKA last game of the week, but you know that). I had only Matt Ryan going, my opponent was already done for the week. Falcons were up 34-23 late in the fourth quarter. Matt Ryan had done justttt enough to put me in the lead. I was up 0.1 points. Yes, POINT ONE points. In other words, I was up by ONE YARD. The Falcons ran it twice to chew clock, then Matt Ryan takes a sack on third down. I’m thinking, “Okay, I’m still up 0.1, as long as Matt Ryan doesn’t have a fluke turnover I’m good here.” Falcons punt, the Seahawks promptly march down for a TD. It’s now 34-29 Falcons. Seahawks went for two and got it to make it 34-31 (this is important, now Seattle only needs a FG to stay alive). Falcons receive the kickoff. Run, run, sack again. No points for Ryan. Still up 0.1. Falcons punt. Seahawks have no timeouts, but drive down to attempt a 52 yard FG with 7 seconds left. If he hits it, game goes to overtime, where Matt Ryan is likely to pad my lead a little, barring a turnover. If he misses, the game will be over and I would have the narrowest of possible victories. Kick was dead-center, but SHORT. I was breathing a sigh of relief when I noticed there was ONE measly second still left on the clock. Falcons take over, Matt Ryan takes a knee. -2 yards rushing. -0.2 points. Game over. Week over. I lost by 0.1 points. Adding insult to injury, I lost the last playoff spot on a tiebreaker. I’m still not over it. Never heard of anybody else losing a fantasy matchup because their quarterback took a knee. Can’t imagine a worse beat. Thanks for the outlet to lament my sorrows, Matthew.
Good lord, after that, offering you a platform is the LEAST I could do.
First round of the fantasy playoffs this year. Oakland Coliseum doesn’t have modern X-Ray machine. Big Ben gets inconclusive X-Ray results and is held out the entire 3rd quarter as a precaution… I lose by two points.
Wait For It....:
My top players struggled a bit in the semis, but thanks to a 5 TD day from Teddy Bridgewater of all people, I went into Sunday Night up by about 50, and figured I would coast to a championship berth.
Arizona was playing Philly on SNF, I had Chandler Catanzaro, my opponent had Carson Palmer and David Johnson. Long story short, the Eagles decided not to tackle Johnson at all that night, and he rolled up 229 yards and three TDs. To add insult to injury, Catanzaro shanked one of the PATs on a Johnson TD.
No problem, I thought. I still had Calvin Johnson on MNF to save my season. The Lions were playing the Saints, whose passing defense was wrapping up the worst statistical season in NFL history. I needed the future Hall of Famer to get just 24 yards to lock up the win. He picked up 19 on the first drive. I watched the entire game in agony, as Stafford didn’t target him once after that. I lost by 0.4 points.
Did I mention Catanzaro shanked an extra point?
I drafted Randy Moss the year after he retired
On the 49ers??!?
Joe Horn 2003. Dominating in the championship game for a $4500 prize. Leading by 30 plus points. Competitor has only Joe Horn left. Playing the Giants. Maybe a Monday Night game? He goes for a 50 yard TD early and catches 2 more and goes over 120 yards. It’s become uncomfortable, but Im still ahead by 4 or 5 points and the game is over. Time running out. Less than 30 seconds. Saints up by 3 touchdowns, maybe more. A blowout. Joe Horn catches his 4th TD as time expires. I never played again.
Can’t blame you for that.
League Championship 2013. With 1:30 left in the Sunday night game featuring the Falcons at the 49ers, I’m down by 7 with only Narvarro Bowman (this league has IDPs) left. The only way I win is if Bowman gets a pick 6. Matt Ryan drops back and throws, the ball is tipped several times and ends up in Bowman’s arms. He proceeds to return it 89 yards for the td and I get the championship.
And my boy DJ was nice enough to send the video!
The year Peyton Manning played for the Broncos I somehow managed to win a game with him scoring -1 points as my quarterback.
And if we’re talking 2015 Peyton Manning, that may not have even been his worst game of the year, AM I RIGHT??
You beat me by 1 yard last year you piece of shit
Note: this checks out. I did, in fact, do that.
(Scott’s a Georgia fan, he’s experienced heartbreak that I’ll never, ever know nor understand.)
This is my story;
It’s week 14, last chance to qualify for play offs in my league. I had been consistently in the top 4 for most of the season but the occasional bad result dropped me down to 8th in the last week. Bearing in my season was already pretty screwed by me picking Fournette, Gronk and Marlon Mack in the first few rounds and then all either underperforming or just not being active for many of the first weeks. I needed a miracle.
I had to get 3 of the people in front of me to lose and the 4th person to just score less than me. Just when I was ready to curse my season, the stars began to align. The first guy got blown out massively, second person lost by a few points and the guy who I needed to score low forgot to change off an injured player. It all came down to the last guy.
He was THIRTY points down on his opponent, I could already smell the offseason, preparing my gloating about how I managed to sneak in. And then Amari Cooper, his last player, scores near 40 points and crashes me into the pity tournament.
This tale of heartbrake is made even worse by the fact me team outscored every other team the last two weeks and I would’ve gone on to win the Championship from being 8th in week eight.
Cruel Mistress fantasy is.
Freakin’ Jon Gruden!
Played fantasy football one year a long time ago. Drafted Rae Carruth (while he was in prison) as a place holder. He stayed on my roster all year. Won a tie breaker to get last spot in playoffs. Had Marshall Faulk who went wild in the last three weeks of the season. Won the league. Never bothered playing again. Luckiest man alive!
I hope that you say the Lord’s prayer every single night before bed for that.
This was three years ago. It was the championship final. He had a WR (Cook’s) going and I had a RB (Robinson - Jax) going on Monday night. It was back and forth all night. Cook’s had a huge game. We ended up tied at 125.13. Next thing I get message from Yahoo congratulating me on winning the championship (guess I’d won on a tiebreaker). Happy days until Thursday when I get another message saying they deducted a yard away from Robinson and I lost the championship by .01.
Ps. it happened to be around the same time Steve Harvey named Miss. Columbia by mistake and took it back. My new team name.
It was Week 10 of 2016.
After the Sunday afternoon games my opponent was up by 46 points but had no players left for Sunday or Monday night. My only 2 remaining players were Doug Baldwin and LeGarrette Blount who were facing off (Seattle vs New England) on Sunday Night Football.
I ended up winning because all 6 touchdowns in that game were scored by either Baldwin or Blount, and between those 36 points and the 11 I got from their yardage I barely eked out the win. It ended up helping me later on because without that head to head win I would have missed the playoffs that year.
It was 2007. Our league is 14 teams, PPR and uses ESPN with a super interactive league web page updated several times a week (by me). I had “rolled my way into the semis” carried by Johnson & Johnson (Larry and Rudi).
On Monday night I was 7 points down--the Bengals were playing and I needed 80 yards out of Rudi (if he didn’t score, which he wouldn’t). Late in the fourth quarter Rudi had 82 yards and I had something like a .0000003 lead.
Then--Rudi sweeps left--and loses 3 yards. He comes out of the game and doesn’t reenter. He finishes with 79 yards.
I lose by .0000003.
It’s been more than a decade and it still kills me.
The Rudi Johnson Game.
Interestingly, I have the Omar Asik Game in Fantasy Hoops--but that one worked in my favor. We’ll save that one for another time...
As soon as you said 2007 every Patriots fan threw up in their mouth a little bit.
So it’s week 2 this year and I am going into Monday night down fifty with Trey Burton Allen Robinson and the bears defense. Somehow I come back and I’m down 10 in the fourth quarter and the Seahawks have the ball with about two minutes left. Prince Amukamara gets a pick six to put me down one but the Seahawks get the ball back so it doesn’t look good since burton and Robinson can’t do anything. Khalil Mack sacks Russell Wilson to put me up by 0.2 and because of my leagues yardage rule my opponent needs the Seahawks to get five more yards for me to lose a point and ultimately lose the game. The Seahawks don’t end up getting those five yards and I came back down 50 to win by 0.2 on the Monday night miracle.
I cant remember exact numbers, but it was a Monday night game and i was only up by about 11 points. The Chargers were playing and my opponent had Philip Rivers in the game. He was on fire, by the half, I was down about 7 points and I was sure of the loss. But then the second half starts and Rivers throws an interception, then another interception, then a fumble, and a sack or two, and finally another interception. He lost the lead for my opponent and i was in the lead. The Chargers head coach took Rivers out of the game and i won. It was the only time that o have ever seen a qb take the lead in the first half and then have negative points in the second half. I Iost the lead and regained the lead without a player in the game! Needless to say, my opponent was upset and changed his team name to RiversSucks.
And last but certainly not least, Tim:
I created my company’s fantasy football league(s) back in 2015 and I finally made it to the championship game for the first time this season. My opponent won it all back in 2016 without even setting her lineup throughout the playoffs (not even using her usual method of selecting players based on team name and colors – something she loves to brag about), so this championship game was definitely a rematch.
The Sunday morning games started and all of her players are in, except her QB (Patrick Mahomes). All but four of mine played and, by the time the mid-afternoon games start, she’s only twenty points ahead of me. I figure I’ll end up beating her, since I have Tarik Cohen, Michael Thomas, and the Bears Defense (v. the 49ers) to play that afternoon.
Cohen scores less than two points, the Bear’s defense underwhelms (eight points), and the one saving grace is Thomas. By Sunday evening, I’m ahead ten points, but she has Mahomes to play and I had Damien Williams. I figured I was going to lose, so I spent some time with my pets and didn’t watch the first half of the Chiefs v. Seahawks game.
I tuned in at halftime and, to my surprise, I’m fifteen points up. I watch the game, but only as a reflection of my sinking heart in the fourth quarter as Mahomes throws touchdown passes to everyone except Williams. After Mahomes scores a two-point conversion, I’m ahead – by 0.2 points and there’s still about six minutes left, enough for a couple of drives for Mahomes to rack up the points.
I keep watching, hoping and praying that the Seahawks milk the clock - which they do. The Chiefs then run back a kickoff to the Seahawks’ 33-yard line, shortening the field (and Mahomes’ ability to score points). Mahomes completes a pass to Williams and I’m now exactly one point ahead. Mahomes scrambles for six yards and my lead is now half a point. I’m completely expecting a crushing defeat when Fortune smiles on me – Mahomes fails to complete any additional passes, the Chiefs settle for a field goal, and their onside kick fails.
Final score: 108.54 to 108.04.
Our company trophy will now feature my team, “The Deflators” (my way of mocking all the Patriots-haters at work), as league champions. To help top off all this deliciousness, the Chiefs loss to the Seahawks still leaves the slimmest glimmer of hope that the Pats can get the first seed.
Only downside is that I lost in our third league, because my opponent played Aaron Rogers, who the Jets allowed to score nearly 50 points. But, there’s a silver lining to this as well – it makes the Pats’ smackdown of Gang Green this coming Sunday all the more enjoyable!
Live look at our boy Tim walking into work that week:
Till next fantasy season, friends. Peace.