The Patriots Even Suck at Cheating This Year

These Patriots. They just cant’ do anything right.

Between the aging, washed up quarterback who should have retired last year, the pasta strainer that is the offensive line, the lousy running backs, and the receivers who couldn’t even catch an STD under the Atlantic City Boardwalk, there’s just nothing to be happy about whatsoever as a Patriots fan in 2019. This sham of a team has only managed to put together 10 wins this season and will likely have to settle for wearing the eternal brand of shame that is the Number 2 overall seed in the AFC. It makes me sick.

And up until this morning, I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse. But now, in addition to this awful, awful season, I’m heartbroken to discover that the Patriots are also unable to successfully do the one and only thing they have ever done with any real consistency - cheat.

The 2019 Patriots can’t even cheat right anymore.

There was once a time when New England took pride in their cheating; shady, dishonorable men in trench-coats and dark glasses smuggling cameras into stadiums, making sure they weren’t in a covered area, and filming opposing sidelines. Perfectly positioned end zone jumbotrons. NASA-grade radio jammers that disrupted headset frequencies. Non-logo gauges and thumbing their nose at basic physics. These are the Patriots I know and love. These are the kind of underhanded, disgraceful acts of desperation that have been solely responsible for bringing New England its six tainted championships. But after reading about this latest scandal, it’s like I don’t even know who this team is anymore.

The Patriots I know wouldn’t have gone to the Cleveland Browns to ask their permission to film an advance scout for their annual “Do Your Job” docuseries. They definitely wouldn’t have gone to the Browns PR team to obtain proper credentials, and those credentials certainly wouldn’t have been out for all to see. And don’t even get me started on that damn tripod that was set up directly in front of a member of the Cincinnati staff; to bring a tripod into the box, set it up in front of the very team you’re cheating against, and keep a camera on it in full display of anyone who so much as casually glances into the press box is the kind of laziness I’d expect from another team, but not from the Patriots.

Plus, the Bengals have a copy of the tape! And the Patriots turned everything over to the league and is cooperating fully!! What the hell is going on here? This just isn’t how we do things under Cheat Belicheat and the New Cheatland Cheatriots, and I for one don’t like it one bit.

It might be better off for everyone if we just forget that this season ever even happened. I can’t even think of how I could possibly show my face again if the Patriots finished 13-3, got a first round bye, knocked around the visiting team in the AFC Divisional Round, and then missed out on a chance to go to their fourth Straight Super Bowl. But even if I could still somehow muster up the courage to wear my Patriots hat like some kind of scarlet letter after a finish like that, knowing that my team has decided to include asking permission, wearing credentials, setting up tripods, and cooperating fully as part of this glorious history of constantly cheating at every turn is just more than I can bear.

I can’t take it anymore. I’m out of here. If anyone needs me, I’ll be out back putting some air in my tires. For reasons completely unknown to anyone in the universe, there has been less pressure in them ever since it got colder.