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UPDATE: Bryce Harper will NOT be the next quarterback of the Patriots

Well, Bryce Harper FINALLY chose a team, and now you can forget about him becoming the quarterback successor to Tom Brady, a thought that obviously had you on the edge of your seat.

Miami Marlins v Washington Nationals Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

At last, Bryce Harper has finally made his decision.

After months, and months, and even more months of endless questions and debate as to where Harper would be taking his talents in free agency, we finally have our answer: he’s going to the Philadelphia Phillies on a colossal 13-year deal worth $330 million. He waited until the last day of February to finally make a decision, well into spring training for the 2019 Major League Baseball season.

If it wasn’t obvious, this essentially rules out any chance of the 26-year-old Harper choosing to quit baseball and come to the NFL, then joining the New England Patriots and becoming the heir to Tom Brady’s quarterback throne. But up until now, it seemed like Harper changing sports and joining the Patriots was about as realistic as him choosing his next baseball team.

If anybody could’ve convinced Harper to make the switch to football, it would’ve been Bill Belichick. The six-time Super Bowl champion head coach with the Patriots could’ve given Harper a phenomenal sales pitch, stressing what an incredible honor it would be to be the next quarterback in New England, and how he could’ve used his sensational athletic abilities to keep the Patriots winning Super Bowls for many years to come.

We all know Harper is a baseball player first and foremost, but he’s a generational talent that only comes along every once in a while. That’s why the Phillies just signed him to the richest contract in history. Harper is obviously very good at baseball, but just imagine what could happen if he decided to translate his marvelous talents from the diamond to the gridiron.

Sadly, we’ll never know, because Harper will be playing baseball in Philadelphia for the next 13 years. And now, instead of signing an all-time great athlete like Harper to replace Brady at quarterback, Belichick will now have to scour the college talent for a youngster to select in one of the upcoming drafts — which doesn’t sound nearly as enticing.

Have fun in Philly, Bryce, and don’t spend all of that $330 million in one place. Just remember, you could’ve been a Super Bowl champion.

One more thing: This article is blatantly and obviously satire, but I bet at least 50 percent of you who are reading this right now have taken it seriously. If you’re one of those people, thanks for making my day.