Editor’s Note: the following is not intended to be taken seriously, at all.
If you’re like the vast majority of Americans in this great country of ours, your day starts with the elixir of productivity and ends with a little bit of what Benjamin Franklin accurately described as “proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy”.
We’re talking, of course, about coffee and booze, respectively. Well, Ben Franklin said that specifically about beer, but it stands to reason that he’d agree with another great mind in American history that memorably philosophized “Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems!”
Bill Belichick, though, in further proof that all men are not created equal, emphatically does not enjoy coffee, in a subject he elaborated on in so much detail on Tuesday that you’d think someone had asked him about the the 1959-1964 Navy Midshipmen. And as it turns out, he does not enjoy the flavor of alcoholic beverages that many young fans may only know because of Anchorman either!
“Because I don’t like coffee,” Belichick said after a lengthy pause. “Look, I mean I understand I am probably missing it, but I just don’t like coffee. I can’t stand the smell of coffee. I don’t like coffee ice cream and I like every sweet that has ever been made — but that’s not one of them. I don’t like coffee flavored anything.”
“I just don’t have the taste for it. I’ve tried, but it just doesn’t work for me. My grandmother put a glass of milk and poured like probably a thimble of coffee and I couldn’t even drink that. It’s just one of those things I didn’t develop a taste for. I didn’t develop a taste for scotch either. I tried that. I just couldn’t develop a taste for it. Nothing against coffee. Nothing against Dunkin’ Donuts. Nothing against anything, it’s just not for me.”
Belichick said he’d still be happy to consume donuts, bagels and muffins, but don’t come near him with the coffee pot.
“I’ve got a lot of other vices to make up for it though,” Belichick said. That’s one of the few that I don’t have, but I think I’ve probably got everything else.”
Bill’s fortunate he didn’t grow up going to elementary and middle school in Rhode Island, cause walking into the cafeteria every day with coffee milk lurking around every corner apparently would’ve been pre-adolescent Belichick’s personal version of the jungle in Predator, but, we digress.
He also really doesn’t like the smoky adult beverage that always makes Ron Burgundy’s belly happy:
“It’s just one of those things I didn’t develop a taste for. I didn’t develop a taste for scotch either. I tried that. I just couldn’t develop a taste for it,” he added.
Now, while other serious sports media outlets would end the article right there, here at Pats Pulpit, we ask the crucial hard-hitting questions that traditional blogs dare not tackle. So we must know: what DOES Bill Belichick, the GOAT of all coaches, like to sip on to relax and unwind while watching My Cousin Vinnie for the 10,000th time?
Believe it or not, there are almost as many Bill Belichick beer-drinking stories as there are Tom Brady beer-drinking stories; Bill just prefers to enjoy his, and then get back to work, whereas TB12 would relish the chance to destroy you in a chugging contest, just like he now-famously did to the entire Patriots squad in years past.
We can also assume that Bill likes wine. Not only is he plenty familiar with champagne toasts, a man this cultured surely can appreciate a fine glass of grapes:
Plus, can you see Bill out at dinner on date night at a 4+ star establishment and *not* getting into the wine list? Certainly not. Bill may not be quite the serial wino that UConn’s Geno Auriemma is, but he’s also definitely not the guy that’s trying to pair a striped sea bass or a Wagyu steak with, like, a Sierra Nevada.
Now we enter the wild west of.....everything else.
And for those of you that play those Cold Case Crackers games (an excellent quarantine activity since we’ll apparently be doing this for a while!), the final two clues are all we need, and they’ve been right in front of us this whole time.
Orange juice. A versatile mixer. We’re getting warmer.
And finally, in a visual we’ve all grown quite accustomed to over the last few championships, what’s Bill’s R&R activity of choice after he takes some well-deserved post-Super-Bowl PTO?
The Nantucket Jimmy Buffet life, if you will.
And the various spirits one might keep on their vessel may vary according to taste, but especially if you’re taking your significant other out for some alone time on the high seas, a few ingredients are a non-negotiable must.
Namely, the bases of those delightful calorie-rich tropical treats that just seem better on the waves. Rums. Vodkas. Malibu. Peach and coconut and pineapple stuff. Whatever a curacao is. You know that part of the bar shelf when you see it.
Thus, the only logical conclusion?
The most tropical, vacation-calories-don’t-count treat of them all.
Sex on the Beach.
And as an added bonus, he gets his daily supply of Vitamin C, which also helpfully prevents scurvy.
Garrrrrr, Bill, we salute ye.