It’s theme week at SB Nation, and this time we’re headed for the virtual world: video games. Over the course of the week, Pats Pulpit and the other blogs in the network are devoted to the best and the bizarre when it comes to gaming. We’ll continue today by looking at how to improve New England’s roster using video game athletes.
We can all remember that frustration. The frustration that you felt when you were picking teams in a video game and your friend took the team with THAT player. You know the one I'm talking about. The player who could single handedly win them the game, the player with maxed out attributes and badges who made the game miserable for anyone playing against them. Those are the players we will be talking about today. So without further ado let’s take a shot at finding five video game athletes to put on the Patriots roster.
5. Brock Lesnar - Smackdown! Here Comes the Pain
This one is personal. I know wrestling is extremely divisive but I couldn’t make a list without Brock Lesnar. Standing at 6’3” weighing 265 lbs and hailing from the Webster, South Dakota, there is no man on this planet who intimidates me quite like Lesnar does. Not only does Lesnar wrestle but he’s mastered almost everything he’s ever tried. Take a look at the mans resume.
- 2000 NCAA Heavyweight Wrestling Champion
- Eight-time WWE Champion
- UFC Heavyweight Champion
He also spent time as a Minnesota Viking in the 2004 preseason. They signed him after he impressed at the NFL Combine. He put up these insane numbers.
Weight: 283 lbs
40 Yard Dash Time: 4.7 seconds
Vertical Jump height: 35 inches
Standing Long Jump distance: 10 feet
Bench Press: 225 lbs at 30 reps
His character in the game is just as impressive as him. He is the highest rated character at 91 overall, which makes sense because the game is literally named after him. His power, speed, and “instincts” are all rated a 10/10. If you take prime 2002 Brock Lesnar and put him on the defensive line there is no way you don’t come out with at least double digit sacks.
4. Rickey Henderson - MLB the Show 19
This one is simple, speed kills. The Show has Hendersons speed rating at 99.
There is no doubt in my mind that Rickey Henderson could score 5-8 touchdowns in a full NFL season just on go routes. In MLB the Show 19, Henderson is listed at 5’10”, 180 lbs. That just happens to be the same size as a certain speedster out in Kansas City by the name of Tyreek Hill.
My only concern would be Jarrett Stidham’s arm strength. If Rickey gets a free release I don't know if Stid the Kid can keep up.
3. Shaq - NBA Jam
The Patriots problems at tight end have been well documented, that’s why with my next pick I’m going to take the most physically dominating athlete of a generation. Specifically, 1993 Shaq. If you thought Rob Gronkowski (6’6” 260lbs) was dominant try adding 7 inches and over 40 lbs. (Shaq was listed at 7’1” 304 lbs) in NBA Jam.
Just look at how dominating he was.
I wasn’t alive while Shaq was in Orlando but I imagine this is an accurate representation. pic.twitter.com/t2sjGARhrX— keagan (@KeaganStiefel) June 16, 2020
I’m thinking 100+ catches, 1,100 yards, and 19 touchdowns as a conservative estimate for Shaq Diesel.
2. Michael Vick - Madden 2004
Listen. I know we all love Stidham and are excited to see what he can do, but Mike Vick in Madden 04 was literally unstoppable. His ratings were as follows.
Throw Power: 97
Throw Accuracy: 84
I’ll even explain it for the kiddos out there It’s like putting Lamar Jackson on the Patriots but if Lamar Jackson had a cannon attached to his throwing shoulder.
1. Bo Jackson - Tecmo Bowl
Bo Jackson is without a doubt the greatest video game CHARACTER of all time. We aren’t just talking athletes folks. The man made Tecmo Bowl either the funnest game in the world or the most infuriating game in the world depending on which side of the coin you were on. Enough of the chit chat let’s take a look at the good stuff.
That will do it for this nonsensical blog. Tell me who you guys think would fit on the Patriots in the comments and follow me on twitter @KeaganStiefel for more nonsense.